Resentment in a Relationship
Trying to find the cure to my negative feelings I came across an article in Psychology Today that helped me to understand the situation and solved my problems. It is stated, that in good relationships, compassion - caring about the discomfort or distress of loved ones with a motivation to help - is very strong. The trouble comes when resentment blocks natural compassion for loved ones. The problem with resentment in relationships is that much of it is due to the effects of negative emotions tracked into the home from the outside. The rule of blame is that it usually goes to the closest person.
Blaming makes us temporarily feel more powerful. But the temporary empowerment comes at the cost of making an enemy of the beloved. Resentment is a perception of unfairness for not getting the expected help, recognition, appreciation, consideration, praise, reward, or affection. Here are the signs that resentment is building to danger levels. Either you or your partner is:
• Judgmental about the other’s perspective without curiosity to learn more about it
• Irritated by how the other feels
• Intolerant of differences - you should see things the same way
• Irritated by things you used to think were cute - facial expressions, laughter, tone of voice, manner of dress, etc.
• Making less important things more important than the most important things.
• Losing interest in most forms of intimacy - talking, touch, hugging, sharing, sex .
No one resents just one thing. The continuous nature of resentment creates a chain, where past resentments attract present offenses, forming an ever longer and heavier chain. Though mainly about the past, the chain of resentment eventually extends into the future. That’s when your expectation of someone disappointing you becomes self-fulfilling prophecy. At that point it starts a downward spiral of irritability, impatience, restlessness, bickering, cold shoulders, and angry outbursts.
As cure the author suggests to understand that resentment covers a deeper hurt, even when the things you resent seem petty. Increase your:
• Core value - get back in touch with the most important things to and about you, which will not include resentment and anger at people you love
• Compassion for yourself - recognize that when you are resentful or angry you are hurt or overwhelmed; focus on healing and improving rather than punishment
• Compassion for your partner - recognize that when he or she is resentful or angry, he or she is hurt or overwhelmed; try to help
• Respectful negotiation - you have equal value and equal rights
• Recognize the effects of negative emotioons.
To break down defensive mechanism both partners should try to understand that they both feel at that time and not to concentrate on their own feelings.