Relationship Advice

Some women worry a lot about their looks. However there is no need for this because
the views of men and women for their attractiveness vary. Women believe that external factors are of great importance. Men think in another way. As a special study of public opinion showed, the ideal woman for all men does not exist. It was proved that men of different age have different preferences.

Young people (to 25 years) valued the most women’s intelligence (!) - These men was 55% of those surveyed, at the second place - sexuality - 44% (and many young girls think that sexuality for men is at the first place …) And only the third is beauty - 42%.
Older men (from 25 to 40 years) too, place women’s intelligence first (!) - 47% of surveyed, the second was- care - 41% (perhaps with age, men are getting more selfish) and the third place - tenderness - 38 %.
And those who are older than 45 years, it seems, become even more egoistic, and women’s beauty doesn’t interest them at all. First place among the attractive features of women in their ranking takes care (apparently means taking care of them) - 65% (!!!), and the second place - intelligence- 40%.

Why, then, men run away from smart women? First they say that value female intelligence the most, but than..
Stupid woman puts away, but clever one if wants to be attractive should not be too intellectual (!) To men’s view a woman must be flexible and be able to adapt easily while communicating (by the way, men being absolutely loyal, believe that it is woman who must adapt but they can be direct).

The true horror make on them nervous, troubled, harassed, making tragedy of everything women (men are too concerned with their spiritual peace).
Hysterical women are terrible. But I would say every woman should be slightly “hysterical” to be interesting for a man. Under this I mean: emotional expressiveness, desire and ability to attract attention of a man, imagery and free thinking (that does not exclude fantasy), lightness and richness of associations, the ability to feel the audience (even if it consists of the only one man) and attitude of the audience to her; ability to charm anyone whether it is male or female, and much more. So these are exactly that features of woman which are so attractive to men.

If you feel “stuck” with your life, resentful of your mate and think to end your relationship - it could be the beginning of discovering your capabilities which can bring happiness in your life and even strengthen your relationship. It is always a risk of “rocking the boat”. Your personal growth and success make some of close to your people pound but some of them would resist it. In any situation, my suggestion to you is: believe that your mate wants what is the best for you and he or she will ultimately love the positive changes in you. After all, if your partner turns out to be someone who really prefers you to be needy, weak and helpless, do you really want to be there?

When two people meet, and fall in love everything seems possible, surmountable, including partner’s disadvantages. His weaknesses seem to be “cute”, his resentment and even hysterics - just short-term tantrum on the background of beautiful love. But after a year or two the same moments of irritation, negative emotions, complexity of internal world of a partner suddenly start to look unsustainable burden.

This is emotional fatigue. The first signs of its appearance become obvious in a year or two after living together. And the longer people live together, the stronger are attacks of the fatigue, repeated from time to time. Unfortunately nobody can we avoid it, but only cope.

If earlier you tolerated shortcomings of your partner, then some time later, you hardly could listen to his daily moaning about his bosses and boredom at work, and even not able to respond properly to his complaints about headaches. “Take a pill” - angrily growl you and move out of his view. The reason is simple: “Every day is the same”.

The secret of those couples who do not suffer from emotional fatigue is that they intuitively find ways to overcome it. The main thing - they do not stand at one place, they are developing, each of them separately and both together. It is impossible to avoid “wear relations” if you live all the time together and not leaving each other for a long time.

Here are some advices that could help you to maintain a pleasant family atmosphere for many years:

1. Give keys of access to your reactions to your partner in advance, without waiting until the problem arises. Use observation. Remember: you can not use your partner as a “sewer” for your emotional splashes.

2. Very often out of each quarrel partners manage to draw conclusions about “hopelessness” of their relationship and acting on emotional impulse almost break up. However already in a day the problem is solved, and it is forgotten about the threats “to break up forever”. Learn to keep to the rule of 48 hours. If there a quarrel won’t exhaust itself in that time - it can be taken serious and treated appropriately. In the meanwhile, till two days are not expired - does not make any serious conclusions from an argument. Learn to wait.

3. Respond is not always necessary. Men often recognize that the best way to respond to their concerns - lack of response. A woman sometimes, feeling that something is not right, starts inquire and in respond to the bad mood of her spouse, fall into melancholy. If he is calm for you, he can quickly solve his problems. You can offer assistance, but this is not the same as “share” his bad mood with your irritation or crying.

4. Change and develop - both together and individually. This is the best way to avoid emotional fatigue. You should learn solving problems rather than talking about them. There are no hopeless situations. A person, who did not progress in solving his or her difficulties in a year or two, can cause irritation of the partner. Try some new approaches to solve your problems, listen to the meaning of your partner. After all, another person is given to us as well to help to see ourselves from the side.

That men and women are on different wavelengths when it comes to communicating is probably not news to you. It’s not hard, from even simple observations, to see the potential problems when men and women communicate. Sociolinguist Deborah Tannen, who has written a book called You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, made an attempt to study the differences in man-woman communication.

She observed, that women create feelings of closeness by conversing with their friends and lovers. Men don’t use communication in this way, so they can’t figure out why their women are continually talk, talk, talking. Eventually, many men just tune their women out. Men are confused by the various ways women use conversation to be intimate with others. One of these ways is “troubles talk”. Tannen notes, that for women, talking about troubles is the essence of connection. I tell you my troubles, you tell me your troubles, and we’re close. Men, however, hear troubles talk as a request for advice, so they respond with a solution.

When a man offers this kind of information the woman often feels as if he is trying to diminish her problem or cut her off. The woman, craving closeness and intimacy with her man, talks to him about her problems with friends, family, her job, etc. She seeks to have her man respond as her girlfriends have always done, and talk with her about his concerns. The man, however, hears these conversations as requests for advice, not intimacy. He considers the problem and offers a solution, or dismisses the issue. When his woman continues to go on about these same concerns, showing no movement to consider his advice, he becomes confused and eventually angry; he begins to believe that his woman is an expert at talking about nothing. The woman begins to feel that her man doesn’t care about her because he won’t talk to her in a way that feels intimate.

The author concludes that women must learn that the kind of intimate talk they have with their girlfriends should remain just that. Trying to turn your man into a girlfriend will usually fail because men, in general, don’t create feelings of closeness in that way. Men, too can understand that when their woman is talking, she is attempting to connect to him-she’s not just talking to talk, nor is she trying to readjust the status of their relationship. By sharing more of himself he shows her, in a way she can understand, that he’s not pushing her away; that he does indeed love her and want to be close to her.

Some women have a strong believe that woman is a diamond, and a man should be there to ensure her existence. Therefore she is not aiming for career realization, and perceives work as means to find a rich and caring husband, the ideal image which is always kept in mind.

The image of how should be the desired partner surely has every human being. But obsession with an idea of “Mr. Right” is an illusion that poisons life. You all the time compare “Him” to others and, of course, “He” would do everything better.

This prevents you to evaluate others men good points. Myth of the love which comes only once prevents to forge new ties after the previous failed. Believe that each of us has his/her own fate is dangerous, because it will completely remove the responsibility for our lives.
You do not imagine other scenarios, do not plan alternative routes. And become very vulnerable and dependent. The result is disappointment.

Love can be different, it happens not once and it can last for lifetime!

Do not wait till your partner make your dreams come true. Very often we endow our partner with those qualities that we admire, but which we lack. Therefore, the simplest way is to live in reality and become yourself the person of your dreams.

Do not refuse to drink coffee with a man just because he is not like your ideal. Practice shows that meeting with your prince does not guarantee future happiness with him. Therefore, take for a rule to pay attention to all the best that is available in person near to you and turn off the calculator, which matches your ideal and your new acquaintance. Trust your feelings instead: if you’re comfortable with him and interested, there is no need to get upset at the fact that everything goes not like in your ideal scenario.

To find somebody to love we need to understand ourselves first and to work out what we want. Think about reasons why you want to find a loved one and be truthful with yourself. Be aware of your life situation and probable hidden reasons or needs of why you would not like being along. I would like to note you, that unfortunately you would not be able to fix your problems finding somebody to fix them for you. You are the only one who created them in your life and only you can fix them. Search for somebody from the position of giving and not taking. Think about of what you can propose your future partner, how you can be useful for him or her or how you would make their life better. So, my dating advices to you:
- realise your strengths
- think how you can use your talents to attract the right person
- promote yourself – tell the world about your good features
- don’t put higher demands for your candidates
- no reasons other then finding a soul mate should rule your mind
Some of you may disagree with me: you know many examples when two people met each other and helped with their lives. Such examples are only true when they both helped each other to equal extend, and not ‘one way’.

Some people get very annoyed if somebody says them that they have done something wrong. Deep inside maybe they understand and accept this criticism but their reaction on it ranges from simply denying to aggressive attack. Why they act like this?
First thing first it could be pride that doesn’t let them admit their fault in public. But under deep shell of negative outer emotions (arrogance, rudeness, and aggressiveness) lies insecurity. People who cannot accept advice or critics suffer from low self-esteem. Now when you know this, don’t run to them with this cheerful news that you know what their problem is. Next time show more understanding, trying to give advice or criticizing, think about right place and time, the tone of your voice and how would you phrase carefully the criticism without hurting more that insecure person. Understand that he/she already suffers from lots of fears and worries and with your critics you can hurt them even more. Trying to toughen such person you will lose them like your friend.

How important educational and social status factors by choosing a life-long partner? Nearly all educated women want to find men with higher educational degree. However for men this parameter is non-essential, they can be happy with woman of any social strata or degree unless she treats him well and loves him. If his future wife is poor is also no problem for the majority of men. But women look carefully whom they fall in love with. Why is that? Are they are so pragmatic and non-romantic?
The answer to this question lies in instincts that we inherited from our old ancestors. They were very pragmatic thinking about how to survive in this life. And no matter that nowadays men don’t need to go hunting and women’s goal is not giving birth to many children, - strong inborn instincts are ruling us subconsciously. Women are still trying to choose the strongest of kind (it could be reflected in man’ social status and education nowadays – that guarantee safety life) and men are searching for women capable of reproducing his quality offspring: healthy, with beautiful body and kind character.

Have you ever thought what your strength points by opposite gender are? Maybe you have beautiful body or charming smile or you cook tasty food or earn lots of money? How does it happen that we attract whom we attract und why?

To my mind, love, as any other emotion first appears in our thought, and as if we can change our thoughts so we can change whom we love. Scientists proved that we find more attractive people who show their interest in us. And if to think carefully it is very often shared similarities that make people closer to each other. We love a part of ourselves in a partner and cannot imagine loving somebody different from him/her.

At some stage we don’t feel attracted any longer by our partner because we have changed and similarities between us disappeared. We cannot stay with a person so different and distant from us now. And we are looking for another best part. This proves that love comes and goes with our past and future identities.

Trying to find the cure to my negative feelings I came across an article in Psychology Today that helped me to understand the situation and solved my problems. It is stated, that in good relationships, compassion - caring about the discomfort or distress of loved ones with a motivation to help - is very strong. The trouble comes when resentment blocks natural compassion for loved ones. The problem with resentment in relationships is that much of it is due to the effects of negative emotions tracked into the home from the outside. The rule of blame is that it usually goes to the closest person.
Blaming makes us temporarily feel more powerful. But the temporary empowerment comes at the cost of making an enemy of the beloved. Resentment is a perception of unfairness for not getting the expected help, recognition, appreciation, consideration, praise, reward, or affection. Here are the signs that resentment is building to danger levels. Either you or your partner is:
• Judgmental about the other’s perspective without curiosity to learn more about it
• Irritated by how the other feels
• Intolerant of differences - you should see things the same way
• Irritated by things you used to think were cute - facial expressions, laughter, tone of voice, manner of dress, etc.
• Making less important things more important than the most important things.
• Losing interest in most forms of intimacy - talking, touch, hugging, sharing, sex .
No one resents just one thing. The continuous nature of resentment creates a chain, where past resentments attract present offenses, forming an ever longer and heavier chain. Though mainly about the past, the chain of resentment eventually extends into the future. That’s when your expectation of someone disappointing you becomes self-fulfilling prophecy. At that point it starts a downward spiral of irritability, impatience, restlessness, bickering, cold shoulders, and angry outbursts.

As cure the author suggests to understand that resentment covers a deeper hurt, even when the things you resent seem petty. Increase your:
• Core value - get back in touch with the most important things to and about you, which will not include resentment and anger at people you love
• Compassion for yourself - recognize that when you are resentful or angry you are hurt or overwhelmed; focus on healing and improving rather than punishment
• Compassion for your partner - recognize that when he or she is resentful or angry, he or she is hurt or overwhelmed; try to help
• Respectful negotiation - you have equal value and equal rights
• Recognize the effects of negative emotioons.

To break down defensive mechanism both partners should try to understand that they both feel at that time and not to concentrate on their own feelings.

Everyone knows how important motivation in every sphere of our life is. We used to apply motivation with regard to work or personal development and very seldom in terms of a relationship. Motivation is the force that gets you started. After a while if there no this force left relationship will resolve itself. At the first stage of a relationship both partners are motivated to act in certain way to get appreciation and other warm feelings from their spouse. And what happens with time? Actions slowly disappear; there is no need to prove anything to your partner, because he or she is already conquered. The only thing that is left from all the earlier efforts is good memories that the person near you was once able to attract you and probably could repeat the “in love phase” for you again if it would be a need for this. But there is no motivation; why to attract my own husband if he is already my husband? It is right; those in a stable relationship people rear bother themselves with much of an effort, but still sometimes complain about relationship becoming a habit and stagnation of feelings. You can make your relationship exiting instead of boring. Don’t be lazy. Everything is in your hands. And any change in life needs action and motivation. If you want to be in an interesting, loving, caring relationship you should act as you are interesting, caring, loving partner.

Energy which surrounds the person who loves himself carries positive, healing, attracting love of other people charge. The more you love yourself the more you attract people who love you. You should learn how to treat yourself good. Remember that your wishes, if they do no harm to anybody including yourself, are holy wishes. There is no need to suppress these desires. We were taught to love others and to love ourselves was considered to be selfish. But it is impossible to love others, if you do not love yourself. If someone loves another person more than him/herself and feels like a victim, make lots of sacrifices then here it goes not about love. This is about guilt, fear not to achieve your best, fear of loneliness, inability to live with in harmony with you. So, think about your relationship and answer yourself does it give you energy to achieve your life goals or makes you feel like a victim? In the second case you should free yourself from that feeling, listen to your wishes and do what is the best for yourself. Only in this way you can be happy and make happy your partner.

Any relationship can survive only when both partners work on it. Work on a relationship requires great effort and emotional strength. Many people totally miss the point of the meaning of working on a relationship. They think it is about the division of roles and tasks, when one of them for example performs household duties and the other earns money going to work. Strict rules, successful time management and reliability in doing these tasks make a relationship work. I won’t disagree that all the above mentioned things help to build a stronger and healthier relationship, but that is not the type of work I am talking about. I think work in the relationship means emotional commitment, better understanding of your partner and helping him/her with their life difficulties. This help doesn’t necessary involve money or any material support. This help often takes a lot of emotional energy from the partner who helps, requires self-confidence and love. If you don’t have much confidence or emotional strength you cannot help anybody whilst you are still absorbed with yourself. So, if you need to prove some of your points of view, trying to help your partner will end with just another argument. But if you strong enough not to get angry or offended whilst disputing, this means you are emotionally mature to put the other person first before yourself (as and when needed). You are capable of dealing with any situation and as a reward you will get a wonderful relationship.

I am like thousands other people in the world very seldom think about my life aim in general. I carry around baggage of believes of my parents, culture and traditions. The more I distance myself from them in space and communication, the more my believes are confronted by the surrounding reality. My ancestors were trying to be able to support their and their families living, practicing some skill or profession. I think most of them saw their life meaning simply in continuing reproducing of new generations. In east European countries and especially for women there cannot be anything more important then giving birth to a child or children. Stable tradition was supported by both government and church. Women’s life goal should be children and family! But after a while due to the western feminists streams women in east Europe slowly start to realize that they can get more from life then the role of wife or/and mother. The pressure of society there is still enormous; verdict of any court could be crueler than one of the people’s gossip. They force on young women the priority of marriage and children. How these girls could think of self-realization in any other sphere of life is they don’t have any role models? Their mothers and grandmothers that didn’t contribute much in outer world are their models and the biggest authority. I hope that in nearest future more brave and intelligent women would wish to achieve something in their lives as the first priority before becoming an example of average underachiever for their daughters.

We all prefer to communicate with cheerful, positive thinking people who seem to charge us with their positive emotional energy. Especially it is important in a relationship. How to create this emotional energy inside yourself, how to become a person who can laugh while maybe crying inside? The whole secret I think is in loving yourself. Being strong and confident doesn’t mean arrogant. People who got deeper to their own heart are capable to understand and love themselves more. They are like a shining star; they love people around them and create positive energy that makes them beloved. Discover yourself, know what you want from life and try to get it; be patient and persistent, and don’t expect anybody to make you happy. This life-long way to your wishes and your will-power will create energy which inspires other people.

In my posts I write a lot about how to improve relationships, make both partners happier being together because if they won’t reach balance and harmony living together it can hurt. Very often I see and hear about couples living through some conditions on a distance from each other. They live both their own, separate life in different places and meet each other from time to time to have a good time. Such couples can last for years and years if the situation suits both partners. But when these people eventually decide to settle down together very often they break up too soon. They suddenly realize that they don’t know the person near them, after long years on a distance maybe she/he changed or even never been a person they consider him/her to be. My advice to you: if you don’t want to appear in such situation after many years of your relationship – try to spend as much time together as possible and to know each other inside out. But if you just want to spend relaxing weekends and holidays together without any further plans and expectations for future is your right. Make sure first that you both are of the same meaning.

One of the most overlooked and underestimated tactics every woman could use to boost their mans ego and confidence is praise. Don’t forget to say him what goes though your mind, you don’t need to make up lies. If you get turned on thinking about your man, tell him! If your man has dreams, is working toward them and you truly believe he will achieve them, tell him! Let him know that you appreciate him and what he does for you! Your prise can lead to him spending more time with you, better communication, doing more around the house and much more. He would do everything for you, knowing how much you appreciate that effort. The point here is you should always say the truth. If you find nothing in your man to give him compliments about then why are you still with him? In any life situation you can see million and one reason to give the person you are with praise to raise his confidence.

Some women complaining that they cannot find or attract type of man they want. All of their previous and future partners have astonishing similarities with each other and the same annoying features of character. And a relationship itself goes according to one certain scenario. What to do in this case? How to get out of this circle? How to attract the man you would love to be with instead of hanging around with somebody not exactly a ‘man of your dream’? My advice to you: prior trying to change your partner, - change yourself. As a result your will accept your partner as he is or you will be forced to separate because of changes that happen in you. But the most exiting part of these changes that you will attract the right people into your life. It is very easy: describe on a list on paper your perfect relationship and the partner with whom you would like to spend all your life. Take your time and imagine your future perfect relationship to be real, and write down all your thoughts. The secret is to act in any aspect of your life as you want your imagined perfect man to act and to treat your present relationship as that one you described. So, treat your relationship as the most wonderful, loving relationship in the world and it will be like this. Treat partner as you would like to be treated and all your care and thoughtfulness will return to you doubled. The trick is not to expect something in return, doing things from heart.

What do you think about marriage agreements? When I hear about such contract I start to doubt if the two actually love each other or not. If they do love each other and trust and going to live all their live together why they need to do such back up plans? So, to my mind, such marriages are not about love. One or the other partner or both of them are fearful of if something goes wrong in their future marriage and they’ll need to separate. But if you are not sure about your future spouse why then to marry at all? Another aspect is that people nowadays acting on hidden barter system. Only few can genuinely give anything without expecting something in return – money, appreciation, love or whatever. All their ‘giving’ is about ‘getting’. Unless we get something back we feel used. And the feeling that lies behind such actions is fear but not love. The secret is to loose up and let go. When you stop worry about giving away money you will get freedom and peace of mind that allow you to be sure that you can earn them no matter what.

For a strong happy relationship women should meet needs of their partner. To understand what that needs are will require time and patience. Some men don’t know themselves what they want and your task will be to help him to work out his life path. It is no easy, but it will make you indispensable person in his life and him be forever youths. Every man, even that who achieved already a lot in his life, needs new challenges. And you can push him to them. This addiction to changes is in their blood, men need to explore, investigate, risk. Sure, you won’t want him to be unreasonable in this addiction, like for example to risk with your joint money in casino or try new things in sex with new different woman. Use this trait of a man to your both benefit. Try to give him reasonable and adventurous ideas like start your own business, build a house, do some sport together. Easy to say, I know. It won’t be so easy to convince him to do anything besides his routine work. Take the responsibility for everything on yourself, show him with your own example, make it look like a completion (men don’t like to lose). What will happen surprise you more than anybody: you become stronger and happier and even if you won’t motivate your partner to work together with you, don’t worry. If he proves himself unreliable and weak, so there is no place for him near you. To work together is very good way to find out if your partner loves your or not in the rate of his/her dedication to joint business. Many people prefer not to “rock the boat” and work separately from each other “to avoid not necessary arguments”. But think about how you can create a joint business of the whole life, - family with that person, if you cannot imagine you both be a good working team.

I thought today how wonderful it would be if both partners in a relationship write a dairy or weblog about what had happened to them this day and how it made them feel. Writing these things is beneficial for both. First, one analyzes his actions and thoughts in written form and it can be considered as an art of therapy. Second, your partner can understand you better, see you inside out. Certainly, writing about feelings is private and some people feel uncomfortable to let anybody get so close to them, even their loved one. But to note here for a healthy relationship, built on trust there is nothing harmful to let the person near you to know how do you feel.

Some people talk a lot about love. They are sure that they know what it is. And if you ask them about their relationship they will answer you: “It is wonderful. We love each other so much.” But jet, when you look at their relationship, you won’t notice any interest in each other. Yes, it is wonderful to leave in such a relationship: no arguments, no misunderstandings. Each of partners leaves his own life, independently and as he/she wants. Then a question arises by itself: why to be together if there is no deep emotional connection? You can share accommodations with your parents, friends or just leave by yourself. Such people don’t understand what it is commitment in a relationship. A woman maybe happy to stay at home and be a housewife her partner is happy to come home and have a dinner ready and his shirts ironed. Till each of them does his/her bit, to follow the agreement they stay together and there are no arguments. But if one of them would start to ‘shake the boat’ and refuse to do usual stuff then they are in trouble. Such feelings as love or friendship one can win only by giving positive emotions, care and understanding. If the process of giving and taking is only on physical level between both partners then their relationship is a business agreement and not about love.

Yesterday while watching an old Russian film a crucial difference in attitude to marriage between western and east-European culture became clear to me. This concerns the role of woman in general in the society. Russian women have no choice in dating and then marring one or another man. They are chosen by men. It is no matter whom she likes or maybe loves – if that person won’t propose to her (till the certain age every woman should be married) she will marry without love to somebody that would “take her”. This desperation has deep roots in culture, religion and family traditions of the country.

Why do some people make enormous effort in a relationship and other don’t? What do first understand and see that other would probably never grasp in their whole life? There are thousands situations in life where our partner (no matter he or she) would need help. But there are only to ways for us to choose: either we help or don’t. Talking about help I mean small, not noticeable on the first sight things that after a while make the great difference. Nobody will point you them out, the only secret is total commitment to your partner and ability to spot what he/she feels and act correspondently to that. In these situations you have a choice: you can ignore needs of your partner or you can meet them. Your partner also has a choice: to stay with you and put up with you ignoring his/her needs (which is happens sometimes but doesn’t last) or separate from you, as from egoist who cannot see life around him/her. The good news is thoughtfulness is not inborn you can become thoughtful. If you are caring, attentive person you get only benefits, you never lose. Helping other people you are helping yourself. Don’t be afraid being used, be equally thoughtful to all people and if you notice after a while that one or another take advantage of you stop contacting that person. You should understand that being thoughtful doesn’t make your weak. Yes, you are “running after him/her” but only for a certain time that you decide to do so. If that person is not going to “run after you” in return, you feel the situation is unfair – talk about what you feel with him/her. If he/she still ignores your needs in a relationship it is time to separate and find another person - caring and thoughtful as you are.

There are many ways to find a successful business man but the most trusted and risk-free is to make him yourself. It is not a secret that man’s self-realization in life depends on what woman is next to him. Primary role in the relationship belongs to a woman, no matter how much we would want to give away this responsibility and hide. Relationship needs a lot of commitment and especially from women, because behind every successful man stands a successful woman. You can inspire success of any man and still be yourself. You can give your partner energy; he realizes his potential and reaches the success. In any woman should harmoniously co-exist four states: the girl, the Queen, housewife and lover. Once something is lost or ignored, the relationship falls apart. All these states correspond to the needs of men. And so, to transform a relationship woman must learn to distinguish when she should be a beautiful muse, and when - faithful friend. You should muster the art of compromise and to regard any situation not as a problem but as new opportunities. See every day as an occasion for joy, creativity and new prospects,- only this attitude will help you to built a wonderful relationship.

Meeting with many people and listening to their problems with their spouses I concluded that it is not personality or circumstances to blame but change in the whole society, new conditions in which they fail to adjust to modern way of life. As soon as they realize new rules of the play name life and decide to be flexible and change their relationship start to work. The situation nowadays points out to men and women should review their roles in family, in society. We all are products of our cultural, religious and political heritage. We learned from our parents what man or woman is meant to be doing, we are filled with stereotypes about gender roles. Like for example women should cook and look after children because they were born already with necessary for this activity set of skills. What a nonsense! But such believes are sitting deep inside of our subconscious and come out to this world with statements, as we think are totally true. The thing is that our life goes forward and our believes in regard to family life are staying behind. Contemporary society needs both men and women analyze at the time what the partner needs and try to meet his or her needs. Sure, in the developed western societies men need won’t be completed with sex and cooking. Women nowadays are also picky: they want men to help them with ‘woman’s work’ and demand lots of emotional commitment. Good if such woman not a type of traditional housewife; decent men will appreciate her effort to be independent and equal partner. But in the same situation with housewife men get really annoyed: she is the one who sits at home all day and than expects him to ‘play modern family’ with equal obligations. The contradiction is obvious, the conflict is predicted. Partners can hide from life and pretend that their role division functions perfectly exactly as by their parents and grand-parents. Good, solid traditions can not be wrong if they used to work for previous generations. This is false. Life standards have changed, relationships become freer from basic needs of species and closer to the highest need of self-esteem and self-actualization. (Maslow’s hierarchy of needs). Relationship it is not longer joint fight against poverty (that is not excluded) but more union of two free personalities striving to increase their intelligence and thereby chase knowledge. Natural human needs to learn, explore, discover and create to get a better understanding of the world around them. If in a relationship partners fail to realize this biggest need of each other the result could be feelings of being frustrated, denied or unfulfilled.

We all want our relationships to work but very often we are too lazy to make them functional. Here are some of essential qualities of a successful relationship that will stand the test of time.
1. Be a Blame-Free Zone
An interesting thing happens when you blame your spouse. You actually get more of the very behavior that you say you dislike. When you blame my partner what does she/he naturally do? She/he blames you back! You see her as the problem, and she sees you the same way. There are many couples blaming each other and feeling justified in doing it. Sadly, millions feel that being “right” is more important than the health of their relationship. Blaming your spouse has never worked and never will. There are certainly times that you can be angry with your spouse, but carrying around blame and resentment will kill your chances for long-term success.
2. Commitment as a daily ritual
Commitment can be the use of specific acts that are done on a daily basis. Commitment can be an enthusiastic welcome at the door every night, daily acknowledgements, or spending free time with your partner. Commitment is shown in everyday acts that are repeated over and over. When these acts are forgotten or neglected, they need to be re-visited and started again. Bored? Then do it differently, change the ritual, or just get over it! Your boredom often speaks to your inability to find depth and meaning in everyday life—and your ability to handle a long-term relationship.
3. Use the “Five to One Rule”
For every scornful look, sarcastic comment, or criticism, there should be five positive acts or interactions–a hug, a wink, or a compliment. This practice was proposed by John Gottman Ph.D in his work Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. In fact, it didn’t matter if the negative interactions were quite hostile, as long as the positive interactions took place. Successful relationships need a steady dose of kind acts and thoughts. When you provide these to your spouse, your capacity for kindness grows along with it.

Strange creations women are: when they are sad - they cry, when they are happy - they also cry. What is it about woman’s cry that men hate? First thing first there are different reasons to cry and before starting to overcome crying we should decide if this cry reasonable or not. The way to look at it is that if the thought during crying about ME, then this cry is unreasonable and even harmful. If you cry with thoughts about somebody else’s problems you don’t need to worry about your emotional health, - it is right. Why then cry about yourself wrong and harmful? Because it is built up on your self-pity and negativity. Unhappiness and misery are occupying your mind and you crawl into self-pity from this unfair world and nasty people. You don’t see that this misery doesn’t exist in the world, but in your mind. Crying is only good for a short while as anesthetic, but it becomes a bad addictive habit with time. Children are meant to cry to attract everybody’s attention when they are hurt, adults not. Your partner can lose his face and respect with you if he sees you are addicted to cry. It means for him that you are little baby, that he should take care of you and you won’t take of him, because children are dependant on their parents. So, if you want to be equal and respected in a relationship, my advice to you: take a grip over your life. Be responsible and optimistic. Realize your opportunities and take positive actions. You always have a choice and this power of choice is yours. Responsibility for your life that you are so freighted of is your key to happiness.

While looking for material about successful relationships and happy marriage I found an old, from 1950s, but still actual article from Woman’s world magazine. Some parts that doesn’t correspond today’s life I left out, but I kept the main concept and the idea. These were advices given to our mothers, that considered being better generation of wives and mothers than it of nowadays. They were more loving, more patient and kind with their husbands than women in contemporary relationships which could learn a lot of them:
All he wants is the basic love, companionship, warmth and fun of a good wife and mother. He wants to be able to bring his friends home unexpectedly and find the house in order, a meal miraculously brought out of the hat without any fuss, and a warm welcome for everyone. A man is the envy of his friends if he has a wife who does not greet him at the door saying, “Why didn’t you ring me and say you were bringing someone home?
There are some women who can’t wait to tell their husbands what kind of day they had, what they bought, what their neighbours had to say. Every woman might as well accept the fact that to make a marriage work she must put her husband first. (more…)

It becomes more difficult to think about subjects that I did not touch on here. I wrote about importance of communication in a relationship, about how to attract men, about how to talk to him as well as about how to be caring with your partner. The theme of money and respect in the relationship I also considered in my entries. What else is life important for perfect relationship? Trust! This is a very important item, one of the most fundamental. To be honest with your love ones and to be able to trust them. Lack of trust is destroying all the good feelings as well as love.
Most people want to place the responsibility for trust in a relationship on someone else. They base their trust on how someone acts towards them. (more…)