Continuing the topic about being assertive in a relationship here are 7 tips to disagree if you don’t like something. To become a good no-man the following advices are for you:
1. Tell your opinion even in small things!
Most relationship problems are about small stuff. Those who does not nod to everything prevent small differences grow into to big problems. In addition, it creates an atmosphere of openness if you are not hiding for yourself your small stuff. Finally, even small problems can only be solved if they are discussed.
2. Do not insist on a simple ‘no’!
If you reject something it always requires an explanation.
3. Send We and I messages!
If you won’t like to go to visit his mother because you do not understand each other well, you say it in this way: “We have a problem: your mother has done that and that what hurts me.”
4. Say definite ‘no’ if you mean it!
Use positive statements. Say what you would prefer and avoid negative sentences with “not”.
5. Keep to the truth!
And avoid excuses because if you don’t want to go to cinemas at the evening then don’t pretend that you have migraine.
6. Be objective!
The core point of a constructive dispute should be the behavior of your partner that course you problems – not the type a person he is in your opinion. General accusations as “you’re a totally dominant man and always want to define my life” lead to nothing. The more precise your statements are the better.
7. Do not get out off the topic!
If you have different opinion by money matters than your partner, do not leave it till later to discuss. If your partner dodges the topic bring him back to the essence.
Many partners in love cannot say ‘no’ in their relationships. Psychologists call this phenomenon ‘the tragedy of a happy couple’. Countless relationships fail because of the inability of partners to reject something sometimes. In the seemingly happy couple, there must not be any serious ‘No’; partners respect each other and there is no place for criticism – happy couples do not dispute. Partners who think so about successful relationships are at risk to experience the end of their love. If criticism and aggression are banned from the life of a couple, the negative feelings are growing secretly in each partner. And the fact of hiding secretly something from your partner brings destructive feelings and anger. The fear of distrusting the harmony is one of the possible explanations for inability to say ‘no’. And many small, unspoken ‘no’ add up to a big definite ‘no’.
I don’t advice you to act regardless of the wishes of others, but in a long-term in could damage a relationship if partners won’t learn to take responsibility for themselves. Those who never make their own proposals will lose their independence. And autonomy in relationships is just as important as the harmony. It’s totally ok have occasional disagreements – about holiday destinations, color of the wallpapers for the joint house or a choice of DVD, which you borrow. That will be dangerous but if deep rooted values come into play. Those who out of love for their partner go against personal beliefs or their needs are ignored, pay a high price. One feels impoverished by his partner.
Typical Yes-men damage a relationship more than people who express their opinions. The reason for the harmony addiction is often a lack of self confidence. American psychologists Herbert Fensterheim und Jean Baer write: “Some people humbly fulfill the wishes of others and hide their own wishes in themselves”. These “inhibitory personalities” (from Latin: inhibere = stop, inhibit) let their life be determined from the moods of others. Anyone who has recognized that he tends to inhibitory behavior should work on his assertiveness as well as learn a foreign language, advice the authors. A good testing ground for this is your own relationship, because whom else, if not your partner, you can openly your opinion? The best way no longer to be a victim of the wishes of others is an open conversation. You should ask your partner for assistance in order to prevent this self-destructive behavior. After all, differences are the only actual condition for the true harmony: the Greek word “harmony,” literally means “the union of the opposite. Learn to say ‘no’. That is the tragedy of the happy couple.
Many singles are not sure if they really want a relationship. Have you ever wished something with all your heart – a top job or a house? Then you know the will power that could be set out free. You develop patience, discipline, and sacrifice your time and energy. You keep working despite possible setbacks till your dream will come true.
If it goes about finding a partner, many singles are convinced: “Sure, I want one!” And immediately attach a “But” after that, which explains why he/she has not yet been found. For example: “… but men avoid strong women”, “… but I have no time for dating” or “with a child … but nobody wants me.” Whatever this “But” is about it indicates an internal fear that we try to hide. It could be your lifestyle and habits that you don’t want to give up or fear to be not good enough for your future partner. The most important question is not: how can I find a partner? but “what speaks against a relationship?” Because these arguments are hidden inside you, they will continue to act secretly. And if you really want a relationship then use these proven dating tips:
1. Send true signals.
Be fair with yourself. Recognize your weaknesses and strengths. A false image of yourself will automatically attract the wrong partner. Who acts sexy, but in fact is not very much in this, is increasing their current flirt opportunities, but programming a failure for a long-term relationship. Conclusion: Be as attractive as possible, but always in frames of your personality. And don’t show interest in things that you in fact are not interested. Act naturally.
2. Create opportunities.
Many singles live in a dream-world expecting miracles to happen and in a destiny that none can change. But if you want to find your ideal partner you need to leave your shell. The easiest way to find somebody is to join a group who shares your interests. Whether they are hockey fans, tango dancers, movie fans, singers, sailors, cooking amateurs – there is the right community for every hobby. Those who won’t find their partner for life there will invest their time in exciting activities.
3. Stay open.
Smile, eye contact, open gestures are nice and welcoming. In the reverse, with petrified facial expression and folded front of your chest arms in you scare others. Nobody would like to come to talk with you. So, fight your fear and keep a natural happy smile on your face.
4. Make your search public.
What you’ll find embarrassing? Try to see it objectively now: you know how useful network in job world is. It is no less importance in private life. Make clear that you are fed up being single to people whom you trust. Who knows you well they can find a successful match for you. Be sociable and build up contacts with people even if it doesn’t feel like love at the first sight. It may happen that a neighbor or a new colleague could be your Mr. Right.
5. Do not get stressed.
You may think that following these dating tips would be too ambitious and intense. Yes, it is true. Only those who are focused on their goals are achieving the result. But those who act overly ambitious in finding a partner could diminish their success while they put themselves under pressure. Therefore do what is needed to be be done, but don’t force yourself to do anything.
What is the secret of happy relationship? Surely it is an realization by each partner of needs of the other, and determined effort to meet them. The primary need of human beings is need for bodily comfort. So, everyday domestic work do contribute to a happy relationship as it takes time and effort that proves that somebody cares. Another primary need is to be noticed, loved and admired. Both man and woman need reassurance of other partner’s love every so often. Small but thoughtful actions like occasional flowers or breakfast in bed will make it obvious for you. Here you should let your partner know that you notice them and appreciate.
The secret of happy relationship is mutual consideration. To develop this, imaginary place yourself in the place of the other. Ask yourself how you would feel in this situation and how would you like your partner behave toward you and act according to your thoughts. In a relationship a sense of humor is vitally important. We need to learn to accept faults and failures as part of the other’s personality and be loving despite them.
Life is unpredictable and you never know where you could be this time next year. The same happens to our relationships: they change as our life goes. Some people find it sad and the other are happy about this fact. The secret of long-lasting happy relationships, to my mind, is to keep them dynamic, flexible, and able to adjust quick to the situations.
Couples that have ever met up with difficulties and went stronger together out of them are happier than those who never had such challengers in their relationship. To grow and become stronger for your relationship it needs changes otherwise it has no chance to last long. It means that each of spouses should be responsible for their own development and growth to become happier and to make a relationship happier and stronger.
What does it actually mean to work in a relationship? Is it to go and earn money? Or maybe work it is a house work? And when both work in a relationship it looks like this: he goes out and works and she stays at home and also works? I suspect it should be more in this. I would say that work in a relationship is to realize and to meet the needs of your partner. The main point here is not to do what YOU think it is good for them and therefore for your relationship but to do what YOUR PARTNER wants from you to do for him.
Very often spouses don’t realize what is good for them. And, what makes it worse, they never discuss the topic. For example, he earns money and thinks that she should be happy with his work and don’t ask him to do anything other that this. To his mind, his bit of work in a relationship is done. She, on the other side, wants him to listen to her, be caring and more thoughtful in everyday life. So, here a potential disagreement could arise about what the partner does for a relationship and if he does it purely for himself. To work in a relationship means to do things for others without own benefit, to make sacrifices.
Any argument is unpleasant and annoying. People often regret about words told in the heat of an argument, but very few can overcome pride and admit their mistakes.
Maybe it would be better not to bring up the argument? Let us try to figure out in what ways you can stop the argument.
1. Deeply breathe in and slowly breathe out.
If you feel that mere discontent comes into a loud arguing, spot it and make a deep breath and slowly breathe out. This one breath could help you and your opponent to calm down.
2. Be silent.
If your nervous system is strong and resistant to external distortions, then this method is for you. When the argument only starts, your partner is moaning or disagreeing, keep quite. Let him say everything that he thinks. Maybe he does not need your answers; it just needs to come out!
3. Long live compromise!
Arguments between partners, lovers and friends are very often occurring because people do not compromise. Even if you are very short-tempered, try to evaluate the situation right: whether to argue or not, what could be the effect of an argument on a relationship, and maybe it is better to agree to give up? Of course, this works not in all situations.
4. Turn it into a joke.
Sometimes an appropriate joke turns an argument to none. But it is true, that a joke could heat the air for fights even more. Your partner might think that you make fun of him and who would like when people laugh over him?
5. Change the topic.
One of the ways to extinguish a conflict situation is to switch the topic so that it won’t be connected to the cause of quarrel. Perhaps in a few minutes you will forget how it all started.
If you did argue.
Do not be afraid to admit your fault and apologize. The word “sorry” is a short but very meaningful and important. Think about how important for you to convince someone in something? Maybe it is better to embrace and make up an argument?
Mutual respect is a foundation for long-lasting successful relationship. Humans have emotional need for love and recognition that forms their purpose and meaning to lives.
Respect, my mind, means to treat your partner with consideration, to have a regard for other persons’ feelings and to be treated similarly. Treat your loved one fairly. “Do unto others as you would others do unto you” as it says in Bible.
Listening to a spouse and hearing them, i.e. giving them one’s full attention is another form of mutual respect. Respect in a relationship comes with the belief that your partner can have beliefs and opinions contradictory to yours and you should still honor them.
If you are already involved in a conflict a good advice from me would be to separate the people from the problem. That allows one not to forget to treat the other side with honor. Recognize that the issue is the problem and not the person who discusses the issue with you.
Respect allows one to build trust with their partner. In a healthy relationship both partners are capable of recognizing and accepting their own strengths and weaknesses. I am not excluding the need for each of us to be improved. The most important factor here is that the person near you should be interested in receiving your help. Create the atmosphere of trust and unconditional love. Mutual respect supposes going an extra mile and waiting. When your partner starts to feel like you believe in them and like them and they will be more open in giving and receiving assistance.
Mutual respect is the first step to building a successful healthy relationship. The basis for respect is knowing, appreciating and reinforcing your partner’s dignity and value.
Communication and mutual understanding within relationships is one of the most important elements for marital satisfaction. For Russian-British couples, communication could present another challenge to overcome as communication styles in Russia and the UK vary considerably. The misunderstandings in intercultural couples are inevitable, since a common basis of understanding – common language – is primary missing. Linguistic issues are found mainly on the syntactic level, but they are also in the field of word formation, the vocabulary, and semantics. The major difference in communication between Russian and British spouses is the British importance of individuality and privacy that could be misinterpreted as coldness and selfishness by Russians. Russians, as a collectivistic nation, like close contact and are much more involved on a sensual level with each other than Britons. Emotional expression and physical contact with other people is much more common in Russia than in the UK.
For a successful marriage, partners from different cultures should be flexible, compromising, and committed to their relationship. Commitment refers to an intention to maintain a relationship in spite of the difficulties that arise. If these three ingredients are in use, then couples will often find ways to make their relationships work.
Another difference that would require attention in an intercultural relationship is attitude to money and money management. Money and economic values are of high individual interest and hence important in the UK. For Russians, with concepts of equal material conditions still prevalent among the society, personal happiness is not connected with the standard of living and “things”. A strong network of family and friends is valued higher than welfare. As to managing money in a relationship, Russian couples have a more ‘joint’ approach to finances, while British couples prefer to have separate accounts where equality of sharing depends on the level of income.
The significance of status symbols through physical objects such as clothes, jewelry, laptop, etc. plays a significant role in both cultures.
Today’s Russian-British couples have a much easier time meeting and marrying than spouses of decades past. Where Russian women look for strong, caring and sober British husbands, British men are attracted to feminine, romantic, “old-fashioned” Russian women. However, like many other intercultural relationships, they still bring different expectations, values and cultural traditions to their union. Despite mutual empathy, there is always be the chance for cultural differences to dissolve a couple’s relationship. National character traits formed by centuries of history, tradition, and culture won’t disappear. For intercultural relationships to be successful, both partners first of all need to acknowledge those cultural differences of each other. The cultural dimensions outlined are examples of how cultures could be compared and the differences between them recognized.
The value systems of Russia characterized by collectivism, contradict highly-valued individualistic attitudes of the British in many aspects of everyday life, either through communication or money management in a family. With respect to the division of gender roles, the traditional family role expectations of Russian women, and ideals of femininity could be misunderstood by their Western spouses. Equality and loyalty priorities between men and women in modern British society support the idea for a woman to fulfill her social role outside the house. Paid work has become the medium by which partners achieve independence. Different views on what is a woman’s role and what is a man’s role in a relationship could become a cause of problems and worth awareness from partners of both cultures.
Speaking one’s mind and telling the truth in low-context communication requires individuals to be open with others. Openness is not characteristic of high-context communication (Gudykunst 1996:31). Earlier we have mentioned that collectivistic cultures tend to be high-context and individualistic are low-context. Despite the fact that Great Britain is an individualistic culture, its communication tends to be high-context. Britons may talk around a difficult issue without addressing it directly. The British way of communication is too formal, indirect and less sincere compared to Russian one.
Individualism-Collectivism interrelates with aspects of immediacy and the use of space. Individualism is characteristic of those from the UK. British emphasize the importance of individuality and privacy; they have been used to having more “personal space”. They display a relatively reserved behavior and value individual autonomy. Collectivistic cultures, such as Russia, are interdependent and as a result they work, live, and sleep in close proximity to one another (Andersen 2001:94). Russians tend to make physical contact and invade the other person’s place. They have been steeped in the belief that society is primary; privacy is not valued as high in Russia as it is in Great Britain. People in individualistic cultures smile more than in collectivistic, probably because individuals are responsible for their relationships and their own happiness, whereas collectivistic cultures personal or interpersonal happiness is secondary (Andersen 2001:94). For the British, a smile on being introduced signals pleasure making a new acquaintance and a sign of being polite. Broad smile and warm handshake of British may not be an invitation to closeness and is something that could be misinterpreted by Russians. These two opposing worldviews show up often in personal relationships between Russians and the British. Individualistic and collectivistic cultures also use time differently (Andersen 2001:94). Polychromic cultures to which belongs Russia are characterized by a great involvement with people. There is more emphasis on human transactions than on holding to schedules (Hall 1985:14). Russians find the importance of punctuality greatly exaggerated. Russian women will need more time to get organized and there will be frequent delays and postponements. Britain belongs to a monochronic time culture. Since time is highly valued in the UK, the attitude to it carries more weight than it does in polychromic countries. It is important therefore, to know how to read the messages associated with time in other cultures. Such divergent attitudes to time can create difficulties in Russian-British couples.
We employed a theory of differences in communication based on three intercultural dimensions, drawn from theories of Hofstede, Hall, Andersen, Gudykunst and others: immediacy, individualism-collectivism, and high and low context. Despite these three cultural dimensions being incomprehensive for a qualitative cultures’ comparison, they could provide a conceptual framework by which thousands of intercultural differences in communication may be understood.
Immediate behaviours, according to Andersen, include smiling, touching, eye contact, open body positions, closer distances, and more vocal animation. Other scholars have called these behaviours nonverbal involvement, intimacy, or expressiveness. The immediacy dimension describes actions that communicate warmth, closeness, approach, and accessibility and behaviours expressing avoidance and distance (Andersen 2001:90). As Hall states, the East Europeans like close contact and are much more involved on a sensual level with each other, than the relatively contact-shy people from northern Europe (Hill 1998:22). The difference can be observed also in other elements of immediate behaviors between Russians and British such as personal space and touching. In northern European cultures, personal space is larger. The English, for example, are not accustomed to touching each other in public. The way Russians move closer during a conversation makes the British feel uncomfortable. On meeting and parting there is far more embracing, kissing and holding hands among Russians than among the British.
Individuals learn the norms and rules of appropriate and inappropriate interpersonal communication and behaviour within their culture. Our entire repertory of communicative behaviors is dependent largely on the culture in which we have been raised. As Ballard-Reisch and Weigel state, couples negotiate the roles, power, and climate within their marriages through communication (Ballard-Reisch 2003:262). Their research has shown that constructive, positive communication, empathy and mutual understanding is associated with marital satisfaction and marital commitment.
The most obvious difficulty in communication between partners of different cultures is that they speak different native languages and the common language between them is limited or even nonexistent. The specific language a person speaks is cultural to a great deal. In some ways, the language itself is a part of the culture. The language issues of the Russian and the English languages in comparison are found mainly on the syntactic level, but they are also in the field of word formation, the vocabulary and semantics. Linguistic misunderstandings make for marital misunderstandings. The spouse with better linguistic skills has more control over the couple’s conversations and their relations with the outside world. It is important that a partner feels responsible for speaking a language correctly. In addition to limitations in verbal communication, another barrier of different cultures involves non-verbal communication. Communication experts estimate that 90 per cent or more of all communication is conveyed by means other than language, in culture’s nonverbal messages (Hall 1985:xiv). Matsumoto defines non-verbal behaviour as all that what occurs during communication other than words (Matsumoto 1996:303). Commonly non-verbal behaviour can be separated into vocal and non-vocal aspects of behaviour. According to Dickson, vocal communication incorporates all of the components of speech: not only the actual words used (verbal communication) but features of their delivery (the vocal element of non-verbal communication). These features encompass, for example, speech rate, volume, voice quality. Non-vocal communication relates to those methods of giving information which do not depend on vocal apparatus and includes, for example, facial expressions, posture, gestures and other body movements (Dickson 2000:161).
The first factor of divergence is the outlook of the Russians and the British to material values. Money and economic values are at the heart of the British value system (Weisser 1978:11). The standard of living and “things” are crucial elements in the British definition of personal happiness and personal happiness is, in turn, a focal concern of marriage. Yet, in Russia, individual interests have been subordinated to the greater communal good and the concepts of equal material conditions are still prevalent among that society.
The second factor is putting-off immediate desires for goals, perceived to be of greater value in the future. This factor is influenced by the values of the society where both partners grew up. One partner could want things now, while the other is still looking towards the future. Not many people in the UK plan for their future economic needs. When times are good, as they generally have been, this strategy may work well enough. However, when rising inflation cuts away at the currency buying power, like it has been in Russia, then frugal living and preparation for “hard-times” becomes more important.
The third factor is that it is extremely difficult to predict financial orientations of a partner from a different culture. This is one of those issues in marriage that requires continuing communication on the part of the spouses. The way of talking about money is as different between Russia and Britain as the way of spending it. Many couples are unable to communicate freely about money matters. Kate Fox (2005:188) called it “the money-talk taboo” in British culture. The British persist that love and marriage have nothing to do with money. Communication can help to resolve marital difficulties or it can become an issue itself.
According to Blood and Wolfe’s study (1960:224), of the eight possible areas of husband-wife disagreement – children, recreation, personality, in-laws, roles, values, sex, and money – money causes the greatest number of problems. Budget and the planning of financial goals, reflect what is important in the life of an individual and what are the couple’s expectations regarding how they should live and what they should have. Different attitudes to spending income lead to increased disputes about finances and thus to a relationship instability. Higher status families that are better off financially are by no means immune to financial problems and disagreements. Partners from different cultures may have extremely different financial attitudes and economic values, such as, for example, what they consider to be “basic” expenses.
The equality that Russian women want, differs from that desired by Western women. Russian women see themselves as far more traditional in their dealings with men and their views on domestic life (Richmond 2003:59). As it was argued earlier in this work (see chapter 2.1.1), Russian women would prefer not to work if the economic situation of the family can afford this, primarily because in Russia they did not have a choice and were forced to work. Traditional family role expectations in Russia show that it is men who should be the only bread-winner. The question of women’s employment outside the house, enters into contradiction with the feminine qualities that are so widespread in Russian culture. There are some women who will be able to fulfil their role in the public sphere; public opinion labels those women as “more masculine in character”. However, the majority of women content themselves with their domestic and family lives. Financial independence contradicts one of the major perceptions Russian women have of themselves, i.e. to be “weak” and to seek a man’s strength and protection, to be feminine, to bear and raise children, to take care of her husband and to be a good housewife.
Russian women with their stronghold of norms, feelings and assumptions, still rely on male privilege for economic self-sufficiency. Her main models are that of domesticity, maternity, and femininity. Such attitudes of Russian women could contradict the expectations of British men who are used to women being committed to their work outside the house. Such expectations could hardly fulfill a Russian woman; the idea of being a “provider” for a family, which is in her mind the man’s responsibility, contradicts her believes about femininity and masculinity. This issue is one the most problematic and worth a great deal of attention and awareness from partners of both cultures.
Many issues in mate relationships are directly or indirectly concerned with gender imbalances. Gender roles have changed tremendously in the last thirty or forty years both in the United Kingdom and Russia. Both British and Russian societies have large numbers of two-earner families. In both countries, younger men are gradually becoming more involved in household tasks and some things, like child-rearing habits, never seem to change. However, attitudes to gender roles in Russian and British societies differ considerably. In modern British society, equality and loyalty is a priority between men and women. Most people in Britain, both women and men, assume that a family’s financial situation is not just the responsibility of the man. British men expect women to go to work not only for supporting the family with her earnings, but because they believe that a woman would like to fulfill her social role outside the house, considering her an equal member of society having the right to personal and career development. On the other side, men have more freedom to choose from a wide variety of roles. Modern gender roles are very flexible so that it is no longer accurate to define them narrowly and traditionally.
Relationships between Russian women and British men present a series of fundamental issues of conflicting attitudes and beliefs which could become the cause of conflict. We consider those cultural differences which might become critical issues when left unresolved in a Russian-British relationship. The comparison of gender role differences, attitude to money and communication between Russian and British spouses will help us to identify these potential issues. Recognizing and accepting cultural differences with the development of a relationship can be extraordinarily beneficial and it is in this chapter that an attempt is made to highlight areas where disharmony may result due to a lack of mutual understanding of the respective cultures.
As a rule, British people tend to dress in a more conservative manner when they are on business and more causal in everyday life. The way people dress, alongside with what magazines and newspapers they read, how and where they spend their leisure time, where they live, where they went to school, what cars they drive, whether or not they have a car and many other things, indicate the class that person belongs to (Weisser 1987:136).
The British, especially the English, are more reserved than nationals of many other countries. There are established rules for everything and this gives a sense of stability to life. British life involves lots of ceremonies. “British reserve” could be considered one of the forms of privacy that underlines many aspects of British life (Fox 2005:401). Emotions are not to be shown in public. The British find it comparatively difficult to indicate friendship by open displays of affection. However, “being friendly in Britain often involves not bothering with formalities”, argues O’Driscoll (1995:63). “Friend” implies that all the rules can be ignored. Yet, “friendships are few and specific” (Morrison 1994:109). It is not the convention to kiss when meeting a friend. It is inappropriate to touch others in public; even backslapping or putting an arm around the shoulders of another can make the British uncomfortable. In business, a light handshake is standard while in informal situations, a handshake is proper; however, it is not always correct at social occasions. As Morrison notes, Britons maintain a wide physical space between conversation partners and avoid excessive hand gestures when speaking. They often do not look at the other person they are talking with (Morrison 1994:113). Individual’s right to keep information about himself or herself private is very important. The British usually have to know each other for a while before allowing exchanges about their backgrounds or lives. People newly introduced to one other could sometimes feel awkwardness while they prefer to discuss safe and impersonal subjects, but the well-known humor is a way to reduce tension. Conversational topics such as politics, religion and family are considered too personal (Morrison 1994:111). On the one hand, asking personal questions would be rude while at the same time, silence would also be rude. So, the stereotype about the British always talking about weather could be true to life, as it is a convenient topic to ‘fill the gap’.
In Britain, “please”, “thank you”, and sometimes “thank you very much” are involved in just about every human transaction. They are necessary and expected in communication with the British. British politeness has a ritualized predictability and expected formality (Weisser 1987:5). People in Britain are very time-oriented, respecting deadlines and punctuality. As for tone of voice: shouting in an argument with a British person means to lose the argument, as such people are considered those “who have failed to handle the intellectual content of a disagreement and must raise their voices in order to compensate for their dim intelligence”, notes Henry Weisser (1987:7). People who talk loud are considered ill-bred, ill-mannered and ill-educated. The general rules for well-educated British people experiencing disagreement are: to lower one’s voice and stick precisely to the facts and not to the feelings one has about an issue. The British operate with objective facts that are the only valid source of truth (Morrison 1994:109).
Generally, in Britain, very high value is placed upon how the language is used. Vocabulary and pronunciation indicate your class, educational background and status. People in modern Britain are very conscious of class differences. They regard it is as difficult to become friends with somebody from a different class. It results from the fact that the different classes have different sets of attitudes and daily habits. When a person talks, it is easy for the listener to get some clues about the speaker’s attitudes and interests, both of which are also indicative of class. Indication of a person’s class is often his or her accent, argues O’Driscoll (1995:48). The model of English grammar and vocabulary which is used in public speaking, radio and television news broadcasts is know as “standard British English”. The vast majority of people, however, speak with an accent which is geographically limited (O’Driscoll 1995:50).
Research conducted in Great Britain by Vogler and Pahl (1999:133) identified five basic systems of financial management in marriages:
1. The whole wage system, whereby either the man hands over his wage and the wife is responsible for all the finances of the household or the husband has sole responsibility for managing all household finances.
2. The allowance system, whereby the man gives the wife a housekeeping allowance and pays other bills himself.
3. The shared management (a common pool), whereby both have access to income and expenditure comes from a shared pool (although the pool may be managed jointly or by one of the partners).
4. The shared management (a partial pool), whereby personal spending money comes from funds retained by each partner.
5. The independent management system, whereby each partner has separate responsibilities and neither partner has access to all funds.
The first and second systems are characteristics of male-breadwinner family patterns and are less represented in Britain. Women typically managed the money in low-income households and this situation was seen as a chore by women, rather than a source of power. In households with higher incomes or in families where women were economically inactive, husbands were likely to control finances; typically, wives were given a housekeeping allowance. The higher the income levels, the greater the equality of sharing, state Vogler and Pahl (1999:131). According to Bacs Consumer Payments Survey 2008, Britons are wealthier in terms of income levels then ever before. However, they are becoming more cautious about how they spend their money (Bacs Consumer Payments Survey 2008). Three quarters of respondents said they pride themselves on being careful with money. An almost equal number – 72% – said they did not agree that they often found themselves over-committed financially. And more than nine out of ten respondents said that they liked to know where they stood financially, while 87% agreed they usually knew how much they had in their current account (Bacs Consumer Payments Survey 2006 – 2007).
Younger couples from the UK in Vogler and Pahl’s research, operated on mixed financial systems which often involved a number of different accounts. One-fifth of those interviewed were operating on a joint pool system. Most couples, though, proved to have separate bank accounts and paying each for particular household expenses (Lewis 2001:165).
As to the division of responsibilities at home, the survey of Devine (Devine 2004) has shown for both parents who work full-time, the couple is more likely to share domestic work but if the woman works part-time, she also does the bulk of the domestic work. Most wives consider their divisions of household labor to be fair. 59% per cent of respondents disagreed with the statement: “a man’s job is to earn money, a women’s job is to look after the home and family”. The research of Biddulph reflected a controversial attitude concerning men’s work and family life. 52% of respondents answered that “earning money should be the priority for a man rather than bringing up children” (48% men respondents and 41% women). However, a quarter of men and a third of women disagreed with this, and thought the opposite (Biddulph 2001).
The research makes it obvious that age has an important influence on respondents’ attitudes. Those from the younger generations do not hold the stereotypical view that the man must be the breadwinner.
Surveys on gender roles in Britain tell us about trends and changes happening in the society. The fact that both men and women disagree with the traditional description of a man to be the bread-winner and the changed belief that the home and child-rearing are all that women really want shows that the UK is far from being a conservative society with defined family roles. Both males and females see personal advantages in moving toward more flexible role options. Spouses want to incorporate role dimensions not assigned to their gender. Relationships’ obligations seem not to be absolute but reciprocal and are negotiated within families.
The female employment rate in UK stood at 72% in 1999 (Aassve and Burgess 2004:1). The majority of women work outside the home before and after having children, regardless of marital status (Storry 2007:123). According to research “Employment Patterns of British Families in 2001. Family Change 1999 to 2001”, conducted by Alan Marsh and Jane Perry, more than half (54 per cent) of mothers work full-time (16 or more hours a week), including 42 per cent of mothers with children under five. Overall, about 70 percent of married mothers are economically active, but this varies significantly with the age of the children; 58 percent of women with a youngest child of preschool age (under five) are employed compared with 78 percent of mothers with a youngest child over ten (Marsh and Perry 2003). Part-time work (under thirty hours) is very common, with about two-fifths of mothers in part-time jobs.
The research, conducted in 2002 by Gray and Gillian, investigated people’s perceptions and attitudes of what women want, the division of labor within the home, and attitudes to work and family. According to this survey, 44% of women compared to 31% of men are more likely to disagree or strongly disagree with the perception that “what women really want is a home and children”. 70% of respondents agreed or strongly agreed that both the man and woman should contribute to the household income (Gray and Gillian 2002).
The most striking aspect of these women’s accounts is their commitment to their jobs. They explained it with an importance for personal self-esteem and an opportunity to exercise authority (Lewis 2001:152).
Here we attempt to describe love relationships in Great Britain. What are men’s and women’s roles in a relationship, what are their beliefs about money and their styles of communication?
Over the last half century, women’s and men’s gender roles in Great Britain have changed significantly in a number of aspects. This is particularly so in patterns of childbearing and women’s participation in the paid labor market. Before the 1970s, most family researchers accepted that wives would do the housework and childcare and husbands would limit their family contributions to being a good provider.
The patterns of marriage and cohabitation nowadays have changed. Gender roles are very apparent with respect to paid employment and one of the most striking trends in the UK is the continuing decline of the traditional family model of male breadwinner and dependent wife and the rise of the two-earner family. Many women expect to be employed, even if their husbands could afford to support the family on their salaries.
Time in Russia is not as highly valued as in most of the western world. “Time is money” is alien to Russian thinking. Russians find the importance of punctuality greatly exaggerated (Visson 1998:144). Russians are notoriously late, and people are more tolerant of delays. Punctuality is not considered essential; patience, on the other hand, is a virtue in Russia (Morrison 1994:317). Things are often done at the last minute and without a plan. Russians often don’t comply with agreements for action. Unexpected visits of relatives and friends to one’s house are part of Russian life.
Manners and politeness take different forms in different societies. In the Russian language, polite requests are expressed primary through the rise and fall in intonation or through expressions such as “be so kind” (Visson 1998:136). Consequently, West Europeans could find Russians rude because they hardly ever say “please” and “thank you”. Russians do not smile on meeting people. In Russia, a smile on meeting a stranger may be interpreted as a sign that the person is not serious about upcoming talk or that he has a hidden agenda under a superficial and hypocritical smile (Visson 1998:137). Russians consider it acceptable to intrude into the private affairs of others, even that of complete strangers, doing it in patronizing form. However, noted behaviour is appreciated and expected as if it were valuable information or advice (Richmond 2003:19). Russians, used to a single prevailing truth, rather than to a tolerance of diverse individuals’ meanings, regard compromise as a sign of weakness and, thus, morally incorrect (Morrison 1994:317). Russians are convinced they are right and, hence, they do not listen to any opposing views. Their authoritarian mindset does not let them aim for compromise. They are not shy about speaking up in public or asserting themselves, forcefully requesting things that they need or want (Richmond 2003:95). Russians can raise their voices, express indignation and imply threats or walkouts. Loss of temper during negotiations is expected by the Russians (Morrison 1994:314). Objective facts are not the indicator of the truth. Many Russians look to faith in some ideology or their own personal feelings to guide them to the truth.
Closeness and physical contact with other people is much more common in Russia than in the West. Russians’ personal distance is very close. It is true for people waiting in line, eating in a restaurant or sitting on park benches (Dabars 2002:58). Accustomed to close physical contact, Russian men as well as women touch when talking (Richmond 2003:19). Public display of affection between a male and a female is common. On the street, couples may stroll arm in arm. People shake hands readily. Upon meeting an acquaintance, especially one they have not seen for a while, some Russians are likely to embrace and kiss the person on the cheek. Men do not shake hands with women unless she extends hers first. Sometimes their hands are kissed rather than shaken (Richmond 2003:120). Men, however, limit their same-gender greetings to a handshake or a clap on the shoulder. Sharing of space and touching are considered positive values. Russians are also in the habit of looking directly and unblinkingly at the person they are addressing (Visson 1998:138).
Human feelings count for much in Russia and those who do not share the depth of those feelings will be considered cold and distant (Richmond 2003:47). In Russian culture, emotion is assigned an entirely positive value, the more a person shows his emotions, the better, more sincere, and more ‘open’ he is (Tolstaya 2003:49). Russians are sensitive to the feelings of others as well as their own. The worst thing a Russian spouse can say about their partner is that he or she is cold and lacking in emotion. When emotions are displayed, they are spontaneous and strong (Richmond 2003:46). Body language is an important element of conversation. Russians use hands and facial expressions to express ideas and emotions. A person’s intent can be determined through body language, even without understanding the words. If you really love each other, you understand everything without words. For Russians, true intimacy lies in the silence of a couple who understand each other by a look or a gesture (Visson 1998:117).
Conversations in Russia are a very important part of social life. They are essential and can be lengthy. Russians are sceptical to changes; they value stability, security and social order. This stability is being sought in social groups, mostly in the family. Russians live two separate lives – one at work and the other at home (Visson 1998:196). Many years of the Soviet system, where the government and press lied to people, affected the average person’s attitude to telling the truth. People said one thing in public and another in private. Lying became a form of defence (Visson 1998:195). At home, within the intimate circle of family and friends, they feel secure and speak their own minds (Richmond 2003:117). Russians appreciate honesty and straightforwardness, sincere expression of person’s views. Their interest in a conversational partner is genuine and could not be seen as making small talk (Richmond 2003:143). Detailed further are some key characteristics of typical Russian communication behavior.
Having separate back accounts appears to Russians as a signal of distrust rather than of independence of both partners in a marriage, argues Visson (1998:154). Russian couples typically prefer that the woman should manage the family budget. The research of Vannoy shows that more than one-third of men and women prefer women to manage money. “Because the resources are so small, it becomes an art to plan all the expenditures in detail […]. Such activity hurts the pride and ambitious nature of men who are attempting to provide for their families; thus they consider this task to be beneath their dignity and a threat to their authority” (Vannoy1999:52). However, younger husbands are more likely to prefer sharing this task.
Today in Russia, prises are so high that most people can barely cope with basic living expenses and planning ahead financially is impossible for them. It is difficult to determine long-range goals for Russians when the economic future is likely to be unpredictably different from the present.
On the basis of the above made suggestions in the respect of money attitudes in Russia, we conclude, that Russian couples, based on a male-breadwinner pattern, prefer women to manage the family budget, which under reduced economical circumstances could not be regarded as a source of power. Generally is assumed that the husbands’ earnings would be the means of meeting household expenses and wives could keep their earnings or spend them partly on household expenses and partly on themselves. Couples usually know the amount each partner earns and discuss money topics freely.
Better to have one hundred friends than one hundred rubles.
– Russian proverb
Russia traditionally has always supported the social philosophy of “equality of outcomes”, a belief that material conditions in society should not vary greatly among individuals and classes (Richmond 2003:36). Communal spirit distinguishes Russians from Westerners, for whom individualism and competitiveness are much more common characteristics (Richmond 2003:14). Individualism is esteemed in the West, but in Russia the word has negative connotations. The collectivistic attitude of Russians can explain many of their behavioural patterns. Russians rely on a close network of family and friends as protection against risks of unpredictable everyday life. The process is reciprocal: those who do favours for Russians can expect favours in return (Richmond 2003:115). Parents are still helping their children financially, even if they have their own families. Russians can easily discuss with their friends not only the cost of vacations and their houses but also how much they earn. No one would hesitate to borrow money from a friend; dates for repayment are causal and flexible and few people would refuse a request unless the borrower is known as unreliable. The basis of trust established over time is the guarantee for help. For Russians, the ultimate sin is being ‘stingy’, i.e. parsimonious (Visson 1995:155). The Russian collective spirit reflects in their generosity. Inviting friends for dinner in a restaurant, it is not customary to share the bill. The person who invited carries all the expenses. Men usually pay for women when eating out.
Material items serve as status symbols and are of the greatest importance. When it comes to domestic staff, clothes, car and other physical items, the Russians are likely to opt for the most colourful, extravagant, and expensive items. Russians pay too much attention to looks. In dress and style women prefer glamour to comfort, femininity to practicality.
For the questions regarding men’s and women’s abilities in selected areas, nearly half of all men say that women are less able than men to be employed (Vannoy 1999:61). They expressed strong hesitation about women’s work and rejected even the possibility of women’s equivalent employability. The research of Boss and Gurko also showed that many men would like their wives to be employed less outside the home; in addition, an increasing number of women reported that they would like to be able to work less outside the home, however, they saw no way to alter the situation under current economic circumstances (Boss and Gurko 1994:65).
As for the division of domestic work, women, even if they are full-time employed, still carry the major burden of household responsibility. Russian culture presumes that the household is primarily the concern and responsibility of women (Boss and Gurko 1994:64). The following table shows that respondents from Moscow stated that both spouses should participate equally in housework, however, most typically presented pattern was that of women doing the housework with “help” from a partner.
There seems to be a movement among the younger generation for men to be more helpful in a family setting. The data suggests that husbands may be starting to share some household tasks more frequently than in the past. On the other hand, they are taking very little responsibility for child care.
Concluding, we can state that, despite the realities, many Russians would like men to be able to support the family economically so that women can concentrate on managing the home. The patriarchal family is still the dominant form of marriages. Both men and women generally agree in their preference for men to earn the income for the family and women to perform the housekeeping.
Research on Russian attitudes to women’s employment outside the house and real life statistics on gender roles differ considerably. The study conducted by Vannoy (1999:28) shows contradictory findings between gender ideology and the reality of roles’ division in Russian marriages. With 90% employment among women, about 80% of them believe that earning money is the husband’s role; 45% of them consider family life more important than their work and 63% of these women say they would leave their job under better economic conditions. Vannoy notes that, “public opinion is hostile to the idea that a woman cannot find satisfaction and self-realization totally within the family” (Vannoy 1999:52). Currently, the motivation for social achievement cannot compete with the importance of marriage and family that symbolizes “life success” for Russian women. The attitudes toward women’s employment tend to vary according to level of education, place of residence, and age of respondents. The research showed that the older the age of both wives and husbands, the more they would prefer to share earning income (Vannoy 1999:56). Although almost as many women have jobs as men, men are considered to be totally responsible for the economic well-being of their family.
Biological differences between men and women are beyond debate. Every society, culture, and individual translates them to practical differences in social roles or functions. Traditionally, these differences have existed with men generally being more assertive, dominant and the primary wage earner. Women have been perceived as more nurturing, caring, and primarily concerned with the family and childcare issues. Russian culture has traditionally been grounded on essentialism, the view that there are inherent biologically-based differences between women and men (Vannoy 1999:4). The father was supposed to be the head of the family who manifested love for his family, not so much emotionally as practically, by protecting the family and providing for their needs.
Russia’s unique history, in which powerful patriarchal traditions are mixed with Marxist ideology, as well as the 1990s turn toward capitalist economic structures, provides the basis for tendencies in personal relationships that occur nowadays. Kay conducted a research to examine stereotyped images of Russian contemporary womanhood (Kay 1997:78). According to it, women, when asked to describe their ideal man, stressed the importance of his strength, reliability, and ability to protect the tender, fragile woman (Kay 1997:85). These “real male qualities” of gallantry and courageousness were followed by the man’s role as a provider, securing wealth and success in the business world. For Russian women the most important element of their self-image is “femininity”, requiring certain qualities and characteristics. First of all is conviction in the importance of personal appearance. “Responsibility for making sure that she looks good, stays fit and never ‘lets herself go’, is number one on the list of a woman’s duties” (Kay 1997:82). Other features attributed to women are their presumed nurturing nature, maternal instinct and inherited altruism. “A woman should be caring, attentive, tender… a good housewife, a devoted wife and an altruistic mother” (Kay 1997:84).
Relationships between Russian women and Western-European men present a series of fundamental issues of conflicting attitudes and beliefs which could become the cause of conflict. This chapter considers those cultural differences which might become critical issues when left unresolved in a Russian-Western relationship. The comparison of gender role differences, attitude to money and communication between Russian and western spouses will help us to identify these potential issues. Recognizing and accepting cultural differences with the development of a relationship can be extraordinarily beneficial and it is in this chapter that an attempt is made to highlight areas where disharmony may result due to a lack of mutual understanding of the respective cultures.
Here we focus our attention on Russian relationships. What does a Russian woman expect from her relationship and from her partner? In the following we explore the societal issues as well as beliefs and preferences about gender roles and attitude to money in contemporary Russia. Next, we consider manifestations of interpersonal communication and highlight aspects of the communicative behavior of the Russians.
Not all cultural differences cause problems for intercultural couples. The unique mixture of personality, assumptions and beliefs, educational and social backgrounds could contribute to possible problem areas. In following we identify those cultural traits which can give rise to misunderstandings and, hence, potential relationship discord between couples from different cultural backgrounds. We choose a subset of issues that could become potential problems for intercultural relationships. The chosen intercultural relationship issues and their impact on relationships should be viewed as potential ones among a great number of other factors impacting cross-cultural marriages. The chosen issues for this discussion are:
• Male-female Roles
• Attitude to Money
• Communication
Most of these areas can cause issues for all couples and not only for those in an intercultural relationship. However, we postulate that the differences in intercultural relationships could be more extreme and the causes of these issues harder to identify, which, in turn, makes it more difficult to resolve them.
The next cultural dimension we consider is power distance. The basic issue involved, which different societies handle differently, is human inequality. Inequality can occur in areas such as laws, rights and rules, wealth, power, social status and physical and mental characteristics (Hofstede 2001:80). People in small power distance cultures tend to value equal power distributions, equal rights and relations. Small power index values are found in the UK. People in large power distance cultures tend to accept unequal power distributions, hierarchical rights and asymmetrical role relations (Ting-Toomey 1999:71).
The Masculinity versus femininity dimension refers to the division of emotional roles between men and women (Hofstede 2001:29). More rigid cultures influence members to behave within a narrow range of gender-related behaviours and stress traditional gender role identification. Masculine traits are typically such attributes as strength, assertiveness, competitiveness, achievement, and ambitiousness, whereas feminine traits are such attributes as affection, compassion, nurturance, and emotionality (Andersen 2001:94). The UK culture has a higher masculinity index score than that in Russia.
Despite some weaknesses of the Hofstede’s model of cultural dimension, such as its relation to business organizational values or actuality of the data, it is still the most popular and the most comprehensive study in the field of cultures’ comparative theories.
Uncertainty avoidance is the extent to which a society feels threatened by unsure and ambiguous situations and consequently searches for statutory structures (Hill 1998:15). The stronger the uncertainty avoidance is, the greater the feeling of threat and the inclination towards avoiding novel situations, argues Hill. Low uncertainty avoidance cultures encourage risk taking and the adoption of informal rules to guide behaviour, whereas high uncertainty avoidance cultures prefer clear procedures and formal rules. Russia belongs to the high uncertainty avoidance cultures. There is a great desire for consensus in cultures high in uncertainty avoidance (Andersen 2001:97). Members of high uncertainty avoidance cultures also tend to display emotions more than do members of low uncertainty avoidance cultures. Hofstede summarizes the view of people in high uncertainty avoidance cultures as “what is different, is dangerous” and for people in low uncertainty avoidance cultures as “what is different, is curious” (Hofstede 2001:119).
Geert Hofstede analyzed national cultures in an empirical investigation from 1967 to 1973 with 116,000 employees from all levels of the multinational concern IBM, in more than 50 countries. He came to the conclusion that national cultures differ in four fundamental cultural dimensions (Goodwin 1999:23):
• Power Distance
• Individualism versus Collectivism
• Masculinity versus Femininity
• Uncertainty Avoidance
Later Hofstede and his colleagues identified a fifth dimension, long versus short term orientation, which won’t be included in our discussion as it is a work-related concept. These dimensions enable quantitative and qualitative analysis of various cultures as well as their distinction and comparison. Notwithstanding that Hofstede’s four cultural variability dimensions are mostly related to business organizational values in different cultures, we apply them in a personal relationships area. While, as Stella Ting-Toomey notes, the four value dimensions should be viewed as a first systematic empirical attempt to compare cultures on aggregate, group level (Ting-Toomey 1999:66).
The Individualism versus Collectivism cultural dimension analyzes the relationships between an individual and a group. Individualism-collectivism is, probably, the major dimension of cultural variability, explaining differences and similarities across cultures. Hofstede identifies individualism as “the tendency of people to look after themselves and their immediate family only” (Hofstede 1980:419). Individuals’ goals are more important than groups’ goals in individualistic cultures. Members of individualistic cultures have many different groups (e.g., family, social clubs, professions) and tend to be universalistic and apply the same value standards for everyone. In contrast, groups’ goals is the main priority for members of collectivistic cultures. Such aspects as mutual support and common action are particularly highlighted by them. Members of collectivistic cultures have only a few general groups that influence their behaviour according to the situation and which tend to be particularistic, e.g., apply different value standards for in-group and out-group members (Gudykunst and Mody 2001:27). Among individualistic countries are the United States, Great Britain, Canada and Germany. Latin America, South-East Asia and Africa tend to be rather a collective form of society.
The second dimension examined by Hall is people’s attitude towards, and the use of time. He describes those cultures that tend to do more than one thing at a time as polychronic and those that do one thing after another as monochronic (Hall 1985:13). Western Europe goes by monochronous time, meaning that a person gives his undivided attention to one event before proceeding to the next. He takes deadlines seriously, values promptness. Polychronic cultures, to which belongs Russia, are characterized by a great involvement with people. There is more emphasis on human transactions than on holding to schedules (Hall 1985:14). These people also have many close friends with whom they spend a great deal of time. The close links create a reciprocal feeling of obligation and a mutual desire to be helpful (Hall 1985:16). Russians basically live in polychronous time, in which a person deals simultaneously with multiple events and is very flexible about appointments. A person is always ready to change his/her schedule at a moment’s notice to accommodate a friend or relative, since he/she attaches more importance to long-term relationships that to short-term ones (Hall 1985:13-15).
Personal space is the next cultural dimension. As Hall argues, “each person has around him an invisible space which expands and contracts depending on the relationship to the people nearby, the person’s emotional state, cultural background and the activity being performed” (Hall 1985:11).
The dimension of information flow, Hall describes, as how long it takes a message intended to produce an action to travel from one part to another and for that message to release the desired response (Hall 1985:22). Information flow varies across cultures.
An extensive attention to the identification of the basic dimensions for cultural comparison is found in the works of anthropologist Edward T. Hall, who during the 1960s conducted detailed, structured interviews with the representatives of different professional groups among various cultures. In his works, Hall has always stressed the close relationship between culture and communication. On this ground he defined culture as a “system to provide, send, store and edit information”. Hall argued that “communication is culture, and culture is communication” (Gudykunst 1996:4). The communication process is determined by context, which is considered “the information that surrounds an event” (Hall 1979:6). He has defined the four dimensions of context:
• Low-context versus High-context
• Time ( Monochronic versus Polychronic)
• Space
• Information flow
By high-context communication, according to Hall, we emphasize how intention or meaning can best be conveyed through the context (e.g., social roles or positions) and non-verbal channels (e.g., pauses, silence, tone of voice) of verbal message. A high-context communication or message is one in which “most of the information is either in the physical context or internalised in the person, while very little is in the coded, explicit, transmitted part of the message” (Hall 1979:79).
Low-context communication determines that intention or meaning is best expressed through explicit verbal messages. A low-context communication or message is one in which “the mass of information is vested in the explicit code” (Hall 1979:70). In low context communication, typically a clear, precise and direct language style and a lot of explicit information can be found. High-context cultures (including much of the Middle East, Asia, Africa, and South America) emphasize interpersonal relationships. According to Hall, these cultures are collectivist, preferring group harmony and consensus to individual achievement. People in these cultures are less governed by reason than by intuition or feelings. Words are not as important as context, which might include the speaker’s tone of voice, facial expression, gestures, and posture. Russians are identified as high context people. High-context communication tends to be more indirect and more formal. In high-context communication, the listener of a message is expected “to read between the lines”. Low-context cultures (including the U.S., Switzerland and the Scandinavian countries) value logic, facts, and directness. Solving a problem means lining up the facts and evaluating one after another. Decisions are based on fact rather than intuition. Discussions end with actions. Communicators are expected to be straightforward, concise and efficient in telling what action is expected. To be absolutely clear, they strive to use precise words and intend them to be taken literally. When we use low-context communication we stress the importance of explicit verbal messages to convey personal thoughts, opinions, and feelings.
The research field of “intercultural relationships” is still relatively young but one of the most intensively discussed by multidisciplinary researchers. From one side it is based on the knowledge and experience of cultural anthropology and from the other side on the results of intercultural communication science and cross-cultural psychology.
In the frame of intercultural relationships’ research, numerous studies have been conducted with the aim to define and to categorize comparable dimensions. In following we present an overview of the main developed for the comparison of cultures models. Theories by Geert Hofstede and Edward Hall are to be considered as an instrument to compare Russian and Western European cultures.
An intercultural relationship generally means a relationship between people from different national cultures. The term “intercultural relationship” here is defined as a union of two people from diverse cultures as well as different countries. What are the cultural differences and their possible impact they may have on romantic relationships? To answer this question we need to define the term “culture”. Since we will primarily focus on the influence culture has on perceptions, thoughts and behaviors of people in intercultural relationships.
Culture is a frequently used term and there are as many meanings of it as people using the term, so a generally accepted universal definition of culture does not exist. This basic definition of culture was frequently used from various perspectives – cultural anthropology, ethnology, cultural sociology, and psychology, which then expanded in its context and acquired new interpretations.
The most concise and precise definition the of term culture, which is still remaining popular among scientists, was given by Edward B. Tylor in the introduction to his book “Primitive Culture”, 1871: “culture…is that complex whole which includes knowledge, belief, art, morals, law, custom, and any other capabilities and habits acquired by man as a member of society” (Knapp 2002:300). Culture “comes down to behavior patterns associated with particular groups of people, that is, to customs or to people’s way of life” (Harris 1968:16). Drawing from these conceptualizations of culture, culture is defined in this work as “a complex frame of reference that consists of patterns of traditions, beliefs, values, norms, symbols, and meanings that are shared to varying degree by interacting members of a community”.
The frequency of interacting with people different from our own ethnic and cultural backgrounds increases with each day. With the increasing number of intercultural romantic relationships, the need for improved understanding has become urgent, not only for the couples involved, but also for the society which they are surrounded by.
As these intercultural interactions increase so does the likelihood that people will become attracted to each other, fall in love, marry, and create a family. Russians are traveling abroad more freely, and foreign visitors find the Russian society more open which, in turn, facilitates greater contact and fosters romance. As a result, over the last few decades, the number of foreign men dating and marring Russian women has been growing. In following we examine the cultural differences and the possible impact they may have on romantic relationships between Russian women and Western European men.
Thinking about a problem that many couples have – boredom I will try here to explain why you get bored together even if you love each other and how to fight it. First thing first don’t blame your partner in that he or she is boring. Take a responsibility for everything you have in your life. Your partner can do no sports or have no interests only because you are the same. Otherwise how you who is active and sporty, can be with such a lazy person? Admit that everything what is missing in your partner is lacking in your life as well. Than change it: go running, start exercise, visit places and meet people. Soon enough you will notice a difference in your partner. It will be either positive: he or she starts to do something with their own life or negative: you will split up, while the gap in attitude becomes so big that you will be going parallel ways in life. So actually this separation won’t be painful for both of you.
A good self-esteem is important for our well being. With the right attitude one can win strength and get rid of unnecessary doubts. But what is it actually self-esteem? First of all it is personal opinion on one’s own self. Self-esteem means not how I see myself but primarily how I explain that was seen. There is no an objective self-esteem like you can not objectively say whether kale tastes good. How I find myself must not coincide with what others think of me. Everyone has as his own truth.
Why some people have a positive self-evaluation and the other negative can not be explained easily. Many factors contribute to it: inheritance, upbringing, experiences in childhood, external current conditions, people and even the country in which we live hold certain values. A positive self-esteem is regarded as basic human need across all cultures.
On which areas of his/her life individual base their inner worth also varies across cultures. Psychology experts talk about self-values that can differ in different areas of one’s life comparing them to drawers: a drawer for profession, for friends, for appearance. Together they form the drawers of our self-esteem. The question is which of drawers one raises most often. Women very often relate their self-esteem to social contacts, men connect self-esteem with own achievements.
People are like clay – live material which turns into something more is in the hands of another person. And that fact that you are together now with man who is «not manly» means to some extent that you are «not female» woman who is other than a tender creation, requiring protection and attention. We are equally responsible for the construction of each other and our shared way forward. And the fault if your man is not so as you wanted him to be lies with a woman.
Men want to see someone who believes in them, gives hope for happiness and love! Not someone who is interested in money or social status they posses, but simply for the fact that there is no one else like him in the whole universe.
And as for wealth: rich is not the same as generous and none can be as generous as the poor person. The greatest wisdom for a woman is probably to accept her man’s personality, his strengths and weaknesses. When she gets to his heart it would be easy to understand and explain his fears, inactivity, aggression and weakness to cope alone with which nowadays is difficult even for the strongest man. To inspire, to wait to believe were the greatest virtues of a woman in the past. Perhaps we should remember about this great women’s mission.
What we want to see in our men? What do we want them to achieve? I think finding the answers to these questions within ourselves, we stop terrorizing men with nagging and reproaches and begin to love and cherish them.
Women used to accuse men in many things. They love to repeat: «Yes, today’s men are not those that were earlier! » But we are not aware of why this is happening. So I suggest looking at the issue from the other side.
Do you think it is easy to be a man nowadays? He must earn money, support his family, protect, build and move forward … If it is not happening immediately: «Well, you are a man! You have to be able (to know, to see, earn, understand, etc.)! »
And if he does not know how or does not want, we practice the whole moral power of sarcasm, scorn and deafening criticism on him. We mercilessly make the verdicts of his manly and father qualities being lost in daydreams about the mythical prince, the universal soldier or a savior of the universe. So in our consciousness settle an idea of the Mr. Right and we carefully compare it to men met on our way. And rare male species could hold such a comparison. Have you ever thought, dear women, how heavy is men’s burden that they are compelled to bear? Are they achievable, that far from reality and common sense demands that they have to do? These imperfections make men normal human beings and give you an opportunity to grasp the human nature which can grow and evolve with us, change under the influence of life and of our direct involvement in the living.
In a relationship as in life one should realize his or her options and choices. Partners who feel free to decide on this or that matter are more confident and have happier relationship. Even if you are married for many years it doesn’t matter that you should dedicate your life to your partner and children. It is the biggest mistake woman could ever do. Seeing for opportunities in life will make you more attractive to your partner. Imagine that you a plant in a florist shop. Nobody wants a weak plant in their house. People want healthy, beautiful creature with juicy green leafs which will chear their house up. Don’t be needy like that week plan that require high maintenance and extra care. You have thousands choices and options in a relationship. How it would work out it up to you.
I was just thinking what does attract men to women? Is it slim sexy body or maybe beautiful eyes or charming smile? I would say – a little bit of everything mixed with a good personality. Sure, men aren’t aware of your good heart from the first glance. If only you can avoid this ‘fist glance’. Than you can show him really who you are. The best way to attract men with what God gave you is to register with online dating site. You can demonstrate your intelligence and good humor via e-mail contact and only after this show yourself up. Generally men are attracted more by character than by appearance, at least intelligent men. And if they do appreciate looks they are no good for such clever and emotional lady like you are.
We all probably have heard about old Chinese art of arrangement one’s house called Feng Shui, but very few of us suspected it influence on our love affairs. Sure we know about the difference of the bed’s placement for our sleep but does it really impact our private life? The experts are convinced that it is matter. The art to arrange one’s house is an expression his or her personality. Though the way we influence our surrounding is the way our surrounding influences us. Feng Shui helps to design not only our house but also some situations in our life and even realize certain life wishes. So why don’t you try an alternative receipt for love – Feng Shui design.
Imagine your good friend said you something and your loved one disagree with what he or she said. Whom you will trust more? Who’s first priority to you? This is a difficult question to answer. Think first what is your opinion on this matter and try not to get into an argument. The most wonderful thing about this life is that we all different and we all have our beliefs and thoughts on this or that. Should you get upset that somebody is different opinion from you on something? You are not them and they are not you. Live and let them live.
Lots of women nowadays prefer not to spoil their loved ones by self-prepared food. The reasons for this could be different: you cannot cook, you have no time, you are executive business woman and can afford to have diner out every evening and so on. And I totally agree with you. Why to bother with cooking if there are so many other options? My answer to you is because it is an expression of thoughtfulness in a relationship. It will be you who has done all that effort and your partner would definitely notice it. Cooking is like giving presents: both you and a person who receives that presents feel good.
Soon enough America will triumph its first black president Barack Obama. It will happen and very few people now doubt this. And when you think about his success you should not forget about intelligent, strong and confident woman on his side – Michelle, his wife. Their fist bump as a winner’s gesture in election campaign was something new and got lots of publicity around the world. It symbolized non-traditional relationship in Barack Obama’s family, partnership and equality. Behind every successful man stand a successful woman. Think about your partner: what he or she could achieve with your help and how strong is love and commitment in your relationship? Are you one team or just two persons cohabiting?
The chances to find your perfect match reduce with every year. We used to think so. In fact, it is quite opposite. Psychologists have found that the better you know yourself the more chances you have to find your ideal partner. Just sit down and have a look at your heart affairs: experience of previous relationships and personal life, family situation and unresolved conflicts. All what happened to you, you bring into a next relationship. Who knows himself very well is one step away from their ideal partner.
Some women worry a lot about their looks. However there is no need for this because
the views of men and women for their attractiveness vary. Women believe that external factors are of great importance. Men think in another way. As a special study of public opinion showed, the ideal woman for all men does not exist. It was proved that men of different age have different preferences.
Young people (to 25 years) valued the most women’s intelligence – These men was 55% of those surveyed, at the second place – sexuality – 44% (and many young girls think that sexuality for men is at the first place…) And only the third is beauty – 42%.
Older men (from 25 to 40 years) too place women’s intelligence first – 47% of surveyed, the second was- care – 41% (perhaps with age, men are getting more selfish) and the third place – tenderness – 38%.
And those who are older than 45 years, it seems, become even more egoistic, and women’s beauty doesn’t interest them at all. First place among the attractive features of women in their ranking takes care (apparently means taking care of them) – 65% (!!!), and the second place – intelligence- 40%.
Why, then, men run away from smart women? First they say that value female intelligence the most, but than..
Stupid woman puts away, but clever one if wants to be attractive should not be too intellectual. To men’s view a woman must be flexible and be able to adapt easily while communicating (by the way, men being absolutely loyal, believe that it is woman who must adapt but they can be direct).
The true horror make on them nervous, troubled, harassed, making tragedy of everything women (men are too concerned with their spiritual peace). Hysterical women are terrible. But I would say every woman should be slightly “hysterical” to be interesting for a man. I mean with this emotional expressiveness, desire and ability to attract attention of a man, imagery and free thinking (that does not exclude fantasy), lightness and richness of associations, the ability to feel the audience (even if it consists of the only one man) and attitude of the audience to her; ability to charm anyone whether it is male or female, and much more. So these are exactly that features of woman which are so attractive to men.
June 27th,2008
Relationship Advice,
Relationships |
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If you feel “stuck†with your life, resentful of your mate and think to end your relationship – it could be the beginning of discovering your capabilities which can bring happiness in your life and even strengthen your relationship. It is always a risk of “rocking the boatâ€. Your personal growth and success make some of close to your people pound but some of them would resist it. In any situation, my suggestion to you is: believe that your mate wants what is the best for you and he or she will ultimately love the positive changes in you. After all, if your partner turns out to be someone who really prefers you to be needy, weak and helpless, do you really want to be there?
When two people meet, and fall in love everything seems possible, surmountable, including partner’s disadvantages. His weaknesses seem to be “cute”, his resentment and even hysterics – just short-term tantrum on the background of beautiful love. But after a year or two the same moments of irritation, negative emotions, complexity of internal world of a partner suddenly start to look unsustainable burden.
This is emotional fatigue. The first signs of its appearance become obvious in a year or two after living together. And the longer people live together, the stronger are attacks of the fatigue, repeated from time to time. Unfortunately nobody can we avoid it, but only cope.
If earlier you tolerated shortcomings of your partner, then some time later, you hardly could listen to his daily moaning about his bosses and boredom at work, and even not able to respond properly to his complaints about headaches. “Take a pill” – angrily growl you and move out of his view. The reason is simple: “Every day is the same”.
The secret of those couples who do not suffer from emotional fatigue is that they intuitively find ways to overcome it. The main thing – they do not stand at one place, they are developing, each of them separately and both together. It is impossible to avoid “wear relations” if you live all the time together and not leaving each other for a long time.
Here are some advices that could help you to maintain a pleasant family atmosphere for many years:
1. Give keys of access to your reactions to your partner in advance, without waiting until the problem arises. Use observation. Remember: you can not use your partner as a “sewer” for your emotional splashes.
2. Very often out of each quarrel partners manage to draw conclusions about “hopelessness” of their relationship and acting on emotional impulse almost break up. However already in a day the problem is solved, and it is forgotten about the threats “to break up forever”. Learn to keep to the rule of 48 hours. If there a quarrel won’t exhaust itself in that time – it can be taken serious and treated appropriately. In the meanwhile, till two days are not expired – does not make any serious conclusions from an argument. Learn to wait.
3. Respond is not always necessary. Men often recognize that the best way to respond to their concerns – lack of response. A woman sometimes, feeling that something is not right, starts inquire and in respond to the bad mood of her spouse, fall into melancholy. If he is calm for you, he can quickly solve his problems. You can offer assistance, but this is not the same as “share” his bad mood with your irritation or crying.
4. Change and develop – both together and individually. This is the best way to avoid emotional fatigue. You should learn solving problems rather than talking about them. There are no hopeless situations. A person, who did not progress in solving his or her difficulties in a year or two, can cause irritation of the partner. Try some new approaches to solve your problems, listen to the meaning of your partner. After all, another person is given to us as well to help to see ourselves from the side.
That men and women are on different wavelengths when it comes to communicating is probably not news to you. It’s not hard, from even simple observations, to see the potential problems when men and women communicate. Sociolinguist Deborah Tannen, who has written a book called You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, made an attempt to study the differences in man-woman communication.
She observed, that women create feelings of closeness by conversing with their friends and lovers. Men don’t use communication in this way, so they can’t figure out why their women are continually talk, talk, talking. Eventually, many men just tune their women out. Men are confused by the various ways women use conversation to be intimate with others. One of these ways is “troubles talk”. Tannen notes, that for women, talking about troubles is the essence of connection. I tell you my troubles, you tell me your troubles, and we’re close. Men, however, hear troubles talk as a request for advice, so they respond with a solution.
When a man offers this kind of information the woman often feels as if he is trying to diminish her problem or cut her off. The woman, craving closeness and intimacy with her man, talks to him about her problems with friends, family, her job, etc. She seeks to have her man respond as her girlfriends have always done, and talk with her about his concerns. The man, however, hears these conversations as requests for advice, not intimacy. He considers the problem and offers a solution, or dismisses the issue. When his woman continues to go on about these same concerns, showing no movement to consider his advice, he becomes confused and eventually angry; he begins to believe that his woman is an expert at talking about nothing. The woman begins to feel that her man doesn’t care about her because he won’t talk to her in a way that feels intimate.
The author concludes that women must learn that the kind of intimate talk they have with their girlfriends should remain just that. Trying to turn your man into a girlfriend will usually fail because men, in general, don’t create feelings of closeness in that way. Men, too can understand that when their woman is talking, she is attempting to connect to him-she’s not just talking to talk, nor is she trying to readjust the status of their relationship. By sharing more of himself he shows her, in a way she can understand, that he’s not pushing her away; that he does indeed love her and want to be close to her.
Some women have a strong believe that woman is a diamond, and a man should be there to ensure her existence. Therefore she is not aiming for career realization, and perceives work as means to find a rich and caring husband, the ideal image which is always kept in mind.
The image of how should be the desired partner surely has every human being. But obsession with an idea of “Mr. Right” is an illusion that poisons life. You all the time compare “Him” to others and, of course, “He” would do everything better.
This prevents you to evaluate others men good points. Myth of the love which comes only once prevents to forge new ties after the previous failed. Believe that each of us has his/her own fate is dangerous, because it will completely remove the responsibility for our lives.
You do not imagine other scenarios, do not plan alternative routes. And become very vulnerable and dependent. The result is disappointment.
Love can be different, it happens not once and it can last for lifetime!
Do not wait till your partner make your dreams come true. Very often we endow our partner with those qualities that we admire, but which we lack. Therefore, the simplest way is to live in reality and become yourself the person of your dreams.
Do not refuse to drink coffee with a man just because he is not like your ideal. Practice shows that meeting with your prince does not guarantee future happiness with him. Therefore, take for a rule to pay attention to all the best that is available in person near to you and turn off the calculator, which matches your ideal and your new acquaintance. Trust your feelings instead: if you’re comfortable with him and interested, there is no need to get upset at the fact that everything goes not like in your ideal scenario.
To find somebody to love we need to understand ourselves first and to work out what we want. Think about reasons why you want to find a loved one and be truthful with yourself. Be aware of your life situation and probable hidden reasons or needs of why you would not like being along. I would like to note you, that unfortunately you would not be able to fix your problems finding somebody to fix them for you. You are the only one who created them in your life and only you can fix them. Search for somebody from the position of giving and not taking. Think about of what you can propose your future partner, how you can be useful for him or her or how you would make their life better. So, my dating advices to you:
- realise your strengths
- think how you can use your talents to attract the right person
- promote yourself: tell the world about your good features
- don’t put higher demands for your candidates
- no reasons other then finding a soul mate should rule your mind
Some of you may disagree with me: you know many examples when two people met each other and helped with their lives. Such examples are only true when they both helped each other to equal extend, and notone way.
Some people get very annoyed if somebody says them that they have done something wrong. Deep inside maybe they understand and accept this criticism but their reaction on it ranges from simply denying to aggressive attack. Why they act like this?
First thing first it could be pride that doesn’t let them admit their fault in public. But under deep shell of negative outer emotions (arrogance, rudeness, and aggressiveness) lies insecurity. People who cannot accept advice or critics suffer from low self-esteem. Now when you know this, don’t run to them with this cheerful news that you know what their problem is. Next time show more understanding, trying to give advice or criticizing, think about right place and time, the tone of your voice and how would you phrase carefully the criticism without hurting more that insecure person. Understand that he/she already suffers from lots of fears and worries and with your critics you can hurt them even more. Trying to toughen such person you will lose them like your friend.
How important educational and social status factors by choosing a life-long partner? Nearly all educated women want to find men with higher educational degree. However for men this parameter is non-essential, they can be happy with woman of any social strata or degree unless she treats him well and loves him. If his future wife is poor is also no problem for the majority of men. But women look carefully whom they fall in love with. Why is that? Are they are so pragmatic and non-romantic?
The answer to this question lies in instincts that we inherited from our old ancestors. They were very pragmatic thinking about how to survive in this life. And no matter that nowadays men don’t need to go hunting and women’s goal is not giving birth to many children, – strong inborn instincts are ruling us subconsciously. Women are still trying to choose the strongest of kind (it could be reflected in man social status and education nowadays that guarantee safety life) and men are searching for women capable of reproducing his quality offspring: healthy, with beautiful body and kind character.
Have you ever thought what your strength points by opposite gender are? Maybe you have beautiful body or charming smile or you cook tasty food or earn lots of money? How does it happen that we attract whom we attract und why?
To my mind, love, as any other emotion first appears in our thought, and as if we can change our thoughts so we can change whom we love. Scientists proved that we find more attractive people who show their interest in us. And if to think carefully it is very often shared similarities that make people closer to each other. We love a part of ourselves in a partner and cannot imagine loving somebody different from him/her.
At some stage we don’t feel attracted any longer by our partner because we have changed and similarities between us disappeared. We cannot stay with a person so different and distant from us now. And we are looking for another best part. This proves that love comes and goes with our past and future identities.
Trying to find the cure to my negative feelings I came across an article in Psychology Today that helped me to understand the situation and solved my problems. It is stated, that in good relationships, compassion – caring about the discomfort or distress of loved ones with a motivation to help – is very strong. The trouble comes when resentment blocks natural compassion for loved ones. The problem with resentment in relationships is that much of it is due to the effects of negative emotions tracked into the home from the outside. The rule of blame is that it usually goes to the closest person. Blaming makes us temporarily feel more powerful. But the temporary empowerment comes at the cost of making an enemy of the beloved. Resentment is a perception of unfairness for not getting the expected help, recognition, appreciation, consideration, praise, reward, or affection.
Here are the signs that resentment is building to danger levels. Either you or your partner is:
-Judgmental about the other’s perspective without curiosity to learn more about it
- Irritated by how the other feels
- Intolerant of differences – you should see things the same way
- Irritated by things you used to think were cute – facial expressions, laughter, tone of voice, manner of dress, etc.
- Making less important things more important than the most important things
- Losing interest in most forms of intimacy – talking, touch, hugging, sharing, sex
No one resents just one thing. The continuous nature of resentment creates a chain, where past resentments attract present offenses, forming an ever longer and heavier chain. Though mainly about the past, the chain of resentment eventually extends into the future. That’s when your expectation of someone disappointing you becomes self-fulfilling prophecy. At that point it starts a downward spiral of irritability, impatience, restlessness, bickering, cold shoulders, and angry outbursts.
As cure the author suggests to understand that resentment covers a deeper hurt, even when the things you resent seem petty.
Increase your:
Core value – get back in touch with the most important things to and about you, which will not include resentment and anger at people you love
Compassion for yourself – recognize that when you are resentful or angry you are hurt or overwhelmed; focus on healing and improving rather than punishment
Compassion for your partner – recognize that when he or she is resentful or angry, he or she is hurt or overwhelmed; try to help
Respectful negotiation – you have equal value and equal rights
Recognize the effects of negative emotions.
To break down defensive mechanism both partners should try to understand that they both feel at that time and not to concentrate on their own feelings.
Nearly every woman has a definite set of ideas about what is her future partner should be like. The older they get the more difficult it gets to break these stereotypes. She just sticks to her ‘ideal’ or what she thinks to be an ideal and never questions her subconscious choice. Unfortunately, her attitude or model of behavior with men could be the course of failure to build a happy relationship.
The problem here is that that she had probably never analyzed her behavior in the past and never admitted her possible responsibility for relationship failure. Why to do this? Well, if you admit the truth to yourself it could be very helpful to realize what you’ve done wrong and how not to do it again. This process could be very painful and unpleasant. Most of us would need the help of a good friend or psychoanalyst.
The second big challenge is to find the strength to accept the truth and not to get angry and fall into denial. People who know themselves what is good or what is bad for them find it very difficult to take somebody’s advice without hesitation. And, finally, when you realize that it is not always only them to blame you can make any relationship that you go in to work.
Woman’s smile can do incredible things: win, seduce, attract. This is woman’s wealth and weapon, which can be used as long as you want. It is a pity that so many women do not understand this, they give everybody angry or glooms looks and then are surprised that no one likes them. A smile on your face is not only a decoration, it is also provokes response smiles and make people who see you happier.
Even if you do not want to you need to smile: nothing age a woman so as omitted corners of her lips. Smile and you save your charm for long time. By the way, it is easier to smile than to frown. When you frown, you force 43 muscles and when smile – only 17. Consequently, the more you frown, the more you will have wrinkles.
Try to control your mood during a day: be funny and cheerful. Smile to salesperson in a store, a person in the subway, who stood on your foot, to work colleague, which explains you your mistakes. And you will see quite another attitude to you. Then the world around you will become kinder.
Everyone knows how important motivation in every sphere of our life is. We used to apply motivation with regard to work or personal development and very seldom in terms of a relationship. Motivation is the force that gets you started. After a while if there no this force left relationship will resolve itself. At the first stage of a relationship both partners are motivated to act in certain way to get appreciation and other warm feelings from their spouse. And what happens with time? Actions slowly disappear; there is no need to prove anything to your partner, because he or she is already conquered. The only thing that is left from all the earlier efforts is good memories that the person near you was once able to attract you and probably could repeat the ‘in love phase’ for you again if it would be a need for this. But there is no motivation; why to attract my own husband if he is already my husband? It is right; those in a stable relationship people rear bother themselves with much of an effort, but still sometimes complain about relationship becoming a habit and stagnation of feelings. You can make your relationship exiting instead of boring. Don’t be lazy. Everything is in your hands. And any change in life needs action and motivation. If you want to be in an interesting, loving, caring relationship you should act as you are interesting, caring, loving partner.
Energy which surrounds the person who loves himself carries positive, healing, attracting love of other people charge. The more you love yourself the more you attract people who love you. You should learn how to love yourself. Remember that your wishes, if they do no harm to anybody including yourself, are holy wishes. There is no need to suppress these desires. We were taught to love others and to love ourselves was considered to be selfish. But it is impossible to love others, if you do not love yourself. The popular self-help books author Louise Hay in her book “How to Love Yourself” gives valuable suggestions on loving yourself. She advices to praise and be gentle with yourself even to those negatives that you could have. Don’t criticize or terrorize yourself with your negative thoughts. She says that we have created those patterns at some time to fulfill our needs and now when we realizing and learning new patterns of thinking we should be patient and loving to ourself. Louise Hay recommends to start with your body, to learn about nutrition and exercise. Cherish and revere the temple you live in,- states Hay. And the main and key point to loving yourself is to start to do it now. You don’t need to be perfect, divide everything to the smaller chunks and do the best that you can.
Any relationship can survive only when both partners work on it. Work on a relationship requires great effort and emotional strength. Many people totally miss the point of the meaning of working on a relationship. They think it is about the division of roles and tasks, when one of them for example performs household duties and the other earns money going to work. Strict rules, successful time management and reliability in doing these tasks make a relationship work. I won’t disagree that all the above mentioned things help to build a stronger and healthier relationship, but that is not the type of work I am talking about. I think work in the relationship means emotional commitment, better understanding of your partner and helping him/her with their life difficulties. This help doesn’t necessary involve money or any material support. This help often takes a lot of emotional energy from the partner who helps, requires self-confidence and love. If you don’t have much confidence or emotional strength you cannot help anybody whilst you are still absorbed with yourself. So, if you need to prove some of your points of view, trying to help your partner will end with just another argument. But if you strong enough not to get angry or offended whilst disputing, this means you are emotionally mature to put the other person first before yourself (as and when needed). You are capable of dealing with any situation and as a reward you will get a wonderful relationship.
I am like thousands other people in the world very seldom think about my life aim in general. I carry around baggage of believes of my parents, culture and traditions. The more I distance myself from them in space and communication, the more my believes are confronted by the surrounding reality. My ancestors were trying to be able to support their and their families living, practicing some skill or profession. I think most of them saw their life meaning simply in continuing reproducing of new generations. In east European countries and especially for women there cannot be anything more important then giving birth to a child or children. Stable tradition was supported by both government and church. Women’s life goal should be children and family! But after a while due to the western feminists streams women in east Europe slowly start to realize that they can get more from life then the role of wife or/and mother. The pressure of society there is still enormous; verdict of any court could be crueler than one of the people’s gossip. They force on young women the priority of marriage and children. How these girls could think of self-realization in any other sphere of life is they don’t have any role models? Their mothers and grandmothers that didn’t contribute much in outer world are their models and the biggest authority. I hope that in nearest future more brave and intelligent women would wish to achieve something in their lives as the first priority before becoming an example of average underachiever for their daughters.
